It's Sara With No H

Girls Weekend

2012-01-18T13:22:00.002-05:00

This weekend I was fortunate to have a one night getaway with my BFFs from college. It was a two hour drive there and back so I decided to download an audio book from iTunes before I left. I have wanted to read Bossypants by Tina Fey because 1. I find her hysterical, 2. I have man hands so I appreciate the book cover and 3. It seems like the kind of book you can listen to while you are driving - unlike, say, War and Peace where details might be important.

Anyway, Bossypants was like $22 from iTunes and the book was only $15 so I decided that was not going to happen. In the "you might also like" column popped "Shit My Dad Says" by Justin Halpern. Since my Dad says a lot of shit that people find unbelievable I thought this might fit the three aforementioned audio book criteria (save for man hands). Let's just say that at one point I was crying so hard from laughing that I was having trouble driving. Perhaps there is such a thing as "too funny." But it was a great start to the next 24 hours which I spent laughing hysterically with my girls.

Since I wasn't quick enough to start writing down the Shit MY Dad Says I decided that I would include one recent story. My Dad wanted some hints as to what to get my kids for Christmas. DD loves books - loves! So I told him I had seen book lights at Target that seemed like a great gift idea.

"I have to go all the way to Target," he responded.

"No, I'm sure they have them at Wal-Mart," I shared.

"You know what...I have a hat with a light on it. That might work"

"A miner's hat? For a 7 year old? So she can read a book?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"Aren't they heavy?"

"A little."

"Do they make them in kid sizes?"

"I don't think so but I have one I could give to her."

"Isn't it dirty and maybe too big?"

"Jesus Christ."

So apparently I was being irrational thinking that a 90 lb. adult miners hat would be an inappropriate book light substitution for a 7 year old. Needless to say DD did not get a book light for Christmas. It's probably my fault!

Froggy

2012-01-10T09:35:00.001-05:00

Mack loves the Froggy book series by Jonathan London and he received two new books for Christmas. This is also a time of exploding imagination and, apparently, attention to detail. For the most part he can read these books on his own. I take that back, he cannot READ, he can REMEMBER. And he remembers if you leave out a part. And he remembers the noises Froggy makes when he does stuff (flop, zip, zwit, zut) and you can't leave out a single sound. He's also at a point where he's asking questions that have nothing to do with the story and I'm left to develop answers not in the story line.

The other night Froggy was hibernating and his friend woke him up to celebrate his first Christmas ever. Cute story. Tough question. "Mommy, if the froggy sleeps all winter does he pee in his bed?" Really, I have to address hibernation? Along with the fact that frogs don't sleep in beds let alone beds with covers next to their parents double/queen bed. "That's a good question," I responded. And he hasn't asked again about hibernation/urination.

Last night we're reading Froggy Eats Out (insert snicker because I am secretly still 15.) WHY didn't they name the book Froggy Eats at a Restaurant or Froggy Goes Out to Dinner? Immaturity aside, Mack loves this story because Froggy is poorly behaved and the parents respond by finishing dinner at a fast food restaurant. The last page of the book took 5 minutes to read. Froggy's family is sitting on stools at a counter while another animal flips burgers.

"Why is he holding the flipper upside down Mom?"
"I don't think he is."
"He is. Why is he?"
"Because the regular cook is sick so this guy is filling in."
"Why?"
"Because he's helping out at the restaurant. Usually he washes the dishes but since the cook is sick he's helping to cook today."
"So that's why the flipper is upside down?"
"Yes. This is not his regular job so he's not really sure what he's doing."
"So he has to wash the dishes too? That's not fair."

Come on, can't a Mom get a break? I suppose this is why I don't write children's stories. I do so enjoy reading them though.

The Big 10

2012-01-09T11:49:00.000-05:00

I know nothing about sports - well, not enough to have an intelligent conversation. My favorite part about football? The font on the Baltimore Ravens jerseys. Anyway, the point is that if there is some sort of Big 10 sports related thing that is NOT what this post is going to be about. If you're sad...move along. If you're relieved...read on.

This year I will proudly celebrate my 10th wedding anniversary. I am so delighted, happy, thankful, etc. about this that I predict I will have more to say about it. Getting married was always a goal/aspirtation/whatever starry-eyed girls call that "finally landing a decent guy" end-game. And I did it! Not only did I find him but I convinced that man to marry me. This man, I have discovered in 9 years of marriage, does not make decisions easily or lightly. I have NO IDEA why or how our engagement/marriage happened. Although I would love to hear his version.

My parents were on the divorce/separation route throughout most of my childhood recollections. I cannot tell you that every day, month or even year of this relationship has been easy. I can say that I know in my heart that I am with the right person and I am in it for the long haul. That feels so good. But the "starry-eyed" moments have sort of gone by the wayside. Not that my husband doesn't make me happy but he's not making me mixed-tapes and I'm not sitting in the car listening to music and musing about our life together. At least I hadn't been.

Then, at a stop light in the middle of some song I hear a chorus that grabs me by the throat and makes me think of DH immediately and I feel like a kid again - reaching for the boom box and a blank tape. A sweet voice booming in my car, apparently named Christina Perri, sings A Thousand Years and with a tear in my eye and a smile on my heart my marriage felt renewed. It's nice to have little unexpected gifts like that.

I have 10 more months before the official anniversary celebration but I think I'm going to begin the festivities now. Plus I'll need help picking the right gift for DH so I'll be back on this topic!

Verbal Blender

2012-01-06T16:32:00.001-05:00

Today I am going to focus on my favorite words with multiple pronunciations...

1. Kenya - I thought it was "Ken - ya" with emphasis on the YA. A co-worker is convinced it's "Keen-ya" with emphasis on the KEEN. So now I'm not so sure I've been right all this time.

2. Iraq - Is it "Eye-rack" or "E-rock" even the poltical talking heads can't decide.

3. Ibuprophen - I've mentioned this one before. Is it "I-bu-pro-fen" (heavy on the pro) or "I-bup-rofen" (heavy on the I)?

4. Sentence - "Sen-tents" or "Scent-tins"?

5. Human - I'm not a fan of dropping the "h" in this instance.

6. Is it supposed to be sherbet or sherbert?

7. Breakfast - my dear MIL calls it breafixt and even the kids call her out on that one.

8. Sisal - looks like Sis-ul but apparently that's Sise-ul.

9. Wainscoting - is it cotting or coating? I watch enough HGTV to be both confused and annoyed by this word. HGTV is also how I learned I had been pronouncing sisal wrong.

Anyone else a verbal slob or annoyed with someone elses verbal slobbery?

HNY

2012-01-04T09:16:00.002-05:00

It's 2012 and I've made a few resolutions for the new year. I think the idea of resolutions are generally a curse and a list of habits you'd like to change but never do but I'm really going to give 2012 the benefit of the doubt seeing as it's January 4th and I'm still feeling pretty positive.

1. Drink less Diet Coke/Pepsi. It's my sin of choice. There's something about a diet soda that just makes some foods taste better. But DD has caught on to the quantity I drink which, on a bad day is only one 20 oz. bottle but when the kids are drinking milk and I won't let her drink a soda unless under extreme duress....well...let's just say less soda is on the list for 2012. "Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work with my kids.

2. Get back to blogging. I am at a "I hate my job" point in my life again and I haven't been there in a long time. So I'm job hunting. I'm not quite sure what I'm good at. I know what I like but people don't hire you because you "like" something. Just ask George Costanza. But I love to blog, I just don't make the time for it. So, resolution #2 is to spend a little time over here and away from Facebook.

3. And speaking of the wretch that is Facebook...I have created a new account for myself. When co-workers ask to be your "friend" how can you tell them no? And when your boss's, boss's wife asks to be your friend how do you tell her no? And then Facebook, in its infinite wisdom, changes templates and preferences and grouping and security options the way most people do/should change underwear. I can't keep up so I am now the proud owner of two Facebook accounts - one for co-workers and work-related "friends" who can't see pictures of me in a swimming pool or hear friends from college reference my finer moments. And, I have another account for the people who can consider themselves blessed with that mess and see me with my hair down, my bathing suit on and learn about my less than fabulous moments in history.

Welcome to 2012. I'd love to hear your resolutions!

Neeka Red

2011-08-17T18:06:00.006-04:00

I am trying to write this post and you have no idea how many variations there are on the Imagination Movers theme song out in the digital world. In order for you to appreciate how right I am you need to hear the song. The most annoying part is that every other youtube intro says the hat is orange which A) makes this whole post totally un-funny and B) is not the theme song on the Disney Channel. Click on the title of the post to hear the song - it's not the best version but you'll get it.

Mack is completely obsessed with the Imagination Movers. If you aren't familiar with them, it's four guys in a band wearing mover jumpsuits. (We own said mover jumpsuit of course!) And we have downloaded many Movers songs onto our iPod. Mack knows the words to a number of the songs by heart. And his favorite might be their theme song - which you will hear by clicking the title of the post. I keep reflecting on your need to LISTEN to the song because this is the root of the problem.

Mack, and DD for that matter, sing whatever lyrics they please as long as it sounds generally the same as the words actually being sung. (Granted I do this too - I had no idea that Elton John wasn't saying "rollin' like father under the covers" although I did wonder what the dad was doing under the covers but that's another post...) So I hear Mack singing, "Dave's over there under Neeka Red hat." And I told him that i thought the word was "underneath" as in Dave is UNDERNEATH the red hat.

"No Mom - yissen, Dave's ova dare unda neeka red hat. See, it's neeka." "Mack, 'neeka' is not a word." And then I gathered that arguing with a three-year-old was worthless. So we have the disagreement when DH comes home. DH listens to Mack, listens to the song, pretends to look it up online and voila - he says, "it says here, neeka red: a shade of red." Ugh - he screwed me. Mack looks up shaking his head, "see Mom?!"

So now everyone sings "Dave's over there under neeka red hat" and it makes me nuts. It's underneath people - doesn't that just make sense? Why won't anyone believe me? If my name was Google everyone would just nod and admit I was right!

Blue-blays

2011-07-20T20:33:00.002-04:00

When DD was little she used to call blueberries "blue-blays." We knew what she meant when she asked for blueblays and eventually she grew out of it. Tonight I was cleaning blueberries and she said to her brother, "I'm helping mom clean blueblays." (Occasionally we recall the cuteness of the mispronunciation so evidently she is aware of the term.) So I said, "DD, do you know where "blueblays" comes from?" To which she replied, "Blueblay vines."

She didn't laugh - she was oddly serious. So an initial wave of panic came over me that maybe she forgot they were called blueberries. And, actually I was asking if she knew the story of "blueblays" and how she used to pronounce blueberry when she was little. A little while after she referred to them as blueberries and I realized that her sarcastic response was a mock answer!

So blueblays aside, I cut watermelon and cantaloupe and I started to tell both kids how I used to work at Ponderosa in high school and college and I was prepared to tell them how I spent hours on end cutting ridiculous pounds of fruit and DD stopped me. "Mom, I think we've heard about your restaurant work before."

I'm 2 for 2 tonight. I still have to get them to bed so there's a chance I'll strike out again before the night ends.

Mother as Teacher

2011-07-18T13:29:00.002-04:00

Damn you Parents Magazine and your happy SAHM messaging for women who like to shape food into animals, create complex nutritional meals and turn every experience into a learning opportunity. Damn you for making me cave to your pressures. Damn you for your high expectations which I will never meet. And finally, damn you for showing models "post child-birth" looking better than most pre-childbirth mothers ever will - no stress, really, don't worry about making us feel worse, we'll be fine.

So, "What did you do now?" is what you are thinking I am sure. Well...I was putting dishes away and I put a dish where I keep our spices which happens to be a low cabinet because of funky kitchen arranging. Mack found my little lazy-susan of spices and started clanging glass bottles of peppermint and almond flavoring together. After I asked him to stop, had to explain that they would break and that when they broke we'd get stinky flavoring all over the floor and it would be a mess to clean up and that our house would smell he finally put them down. And then Parents Magazine crept into my head....

"Hey, here's a learning opportunity!" I stopped putting dishes away and asked Mack if he wanted to smell the peppermint. He nodded. Sniffed, made a face and said yuck. So I asked him if he wanted to smell the almond flavoring. Yes, sniff, face, yuck. I asked him if he wanted to see more of the spices. Yes! So I pulled things out, explained what they were, let him look at the contents and take a sniff. And all was good until I got to the cayenne pepper.

I think I've mentioned before that I don't really have "foresight." I simply lack the ability to project what will come next naturally. I think most of you can see where this is going. Cayenne pepper, sniff, sneeze, pepper in eyes, complaining about eyes hurting, DH asks what Mack is complaining about...whereby I am forced to explain why I was letting him sniff cayenne pepper. Let's just say that DH was not as ready to blame Parents Magazine as I was.

Spanx

2011-06-27T09:49:00.000-04:00

Instead of eating better or going on a (deep breath in)...diet I decided to buy a Spanx bathing suit last year. Even if I were 30 lbs. lighter the stuff my kids did to this body isn't going to be pretty. Guess what my friends? If you're fat, you're fat - no matter what you spend on the bathing suit! And, after trying the suit on I realized that the stuff I hate doesn't get crammed into the bathing suit anyway. So, if you're going to be swimming with me or near me this summer just look away or enjoy my cover up.

Garbage

2011-06-24T23:52:00.001-04:00

DH hates clutter - to the point where he will just throw out anything in his path when he reaches a tipping point. I am, on the other hand, not so much bothered by clutter. Dirt, filth, that stuff bothers me and that's the stuff DH doesn't see. "Why don't you just tell me we need to clean the bathroom?" What? You don't see how gross it is? Why do I have to bring it up - you're in there too! Anyway, I pretend I'm over that but apparently I am not.

The point of the story is that Mack was throwing out garbage and found DD's bag of note cards, a gumball machine we were hiding from them in a high shelf, a paper windsock that was hanging in DD's classroom until today, a spinny top to a toy that is broken, and some other toy. "Mom," he marched into my room to address me.

"Mommy, you cannot frow out dees fings!"

"Mack, what are you doing rooting through the garbage."

"I'm findin my stuff in da gawbage and you should not frow out our fings out in dare."

"That's disgusting."

"Vat's not disgusting. Vat's mine and DD's stuff."

So now I get to retell the story to DH when he gets home. He won't care, he's just happy the stuff is not in his way anymore. But he isn't the one that was confronted by the 2 year old!

Spice Girl

2011-06-23T12:05:00.005-04:00

Everyone claims they want to be told they have a spice in their tooth. I do. But, I also have a hard time nudging someone to say, "Psst...you've got a little something green in your teeth. No, not that one. Over one. No, the other way. One more. At the top. Oooh, almost. Ah, you got it." The conversation is never, "Psst...you've got a little something in your teeth." (Spice victim walks away in private to a mirror and returns spiceless and graciously thanks you for your spice vigilance.) Never, that never happens. At least not to me.

So, after a dinner with my boss, her boss, his wife, and two dozen alumni and friends I get in the car, look in the rear view mirror and voila - spice. No one told me. I asked my co-worker today if she noticed the spice and she denies it. I'm skeptical but I'll take her at her word. I just don't know how to elegantly tip someone off about their spicy intruder and I do know I'd like to be alerted. Any nuggets of wisdom to share friends?

My Left Foot

2011-06-22T12:03:00.003-04:00

My left foot is, no joke, a half size smaller than my right. Today I am painfully aware of my incongruity as I slap around in my Nine West "pumps" that I got on Endless.com.

Back in April I had an event, for which I already had a navy dress, but needed shoes. So I went to Endless in search of a match. Do I go red? metallic? navy pattern?...well...I bought all three pairs because I couldn't make up my mind. And, somehow it can't hurt to have too many pairs of shoes. Everyone says your feet get bigger after you have kids. I swear up and down that it hasn't happened to me but like the ugly stepsisters, I keep cramming my foot into size 8 shoes of old and wonder why they're a smidge uncomfortable. I decided to accept my fate and I got all of the new shoes in 8 1/2 which work great on my ginormous right foot. The left foot is not so happy and these navy shoes are the worst on my left foot.

This morning, on my way to the grocery store to buy the 24 cookies I was required to send for Camp Sunshine at school today I nearly lost my shoe. I decided to get a little shoe insert for my heel and pray I would be able to keep my shoes on for the day. So far, so good but not great. It would be wonderful if I could just wear ballet flats around so I didn't run into this problem. But, they sell two little heel inserts in each pack so I get to fix two pairs of shoes with one purchase so maybe that's the golden lining for today.

Tuesday's Tunes

2011-06-21T12:44:00.003-04:00

My Pandora channel has been set on "Adele" lately and this song, In My Arms, ends up in the rotation frequently. As long as I like the music I tend to keep working. If I hate it I look up and check it off and move it to the "don't ever play this crap again" file. Today this song just grabbed me and I paid a little more attention to the lyrics than I usually do. I am feeling unmotivated with regard to work so my brain is drifting away (up at 3 because Mack was making noise in his sleep and back up at 5 because he wanted to watch Imagination Movers on the iPad. ) It is appropriate for a post-Father's Day tribute but it really does a great job summarizing how helpless you feel as a parent sometimes.

PS. Sorry for the japanamation YouTube video link but it was hard to find a decent link for this song and it seemed better than staring at an image that didn't change.

In My Arms
by Plumb

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contageous smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Bitch

2011-06-20T15:28:00.002-04:00

Yesterday we had a picnic at my Dad's for Father's Day. My Dad's house, no matter where he's ever lived, has always been a work in progress. And, as a single man, he cares very little about matching dinnerware, flatware or glassware (or really much else for that matter but this instance deals with kitchenware so I'm going to end the list there.) My Dad loves to cook and he's quite good at it so we let him.

Somehow, among all of the paper goods we used instead of the non-matching stuff, real glass drinking glasses made it outside. About 90 minutes into our little family shindig DD starts singing "bitch, bitch, bitch...bitch, bitch, bitch." I just looked at her with my mouth open. And she, happy as a little clam, was confused.

"DD, what did you just say?" "Bitch, bitch, bitch." (Because if you ask a question you will get an answer!) I said, "Do you know that's a bad word?" And she replied, "Oh, no I didn't. I just read Aunt Becca's cup." And my sister picked up the cup and ran inside for an exchange. I knew there was a reason she brought the paper goods to the party. I hope your Father's Day was just as memorable.

Weiner

2011-06-17T15:27:00.004-04:00

A long time ago, in a post I cannot find, Telecommuter Talk (Emily) wrote about the blogosphere being a realm for writers, people who love to write, perhaps just people who have a lot to say and not enough people to listen. (In my case writing and hoping people read/give feedback on my insanity is much cheaper than a therapist.) Anyway, she indicated that Facebook wasn't really for bloggers. Essentially, if blogging is your wife, Facebook is your Twitter whore that you send nudy pictures to but don't really build a relationship.

I, like Anthony Weiner, must confess that I have been away spending time with Facebook over the last year. I really wanted to be a good spouse. I love blogging, I like the release of writing. I like that things in the moment that nearly bring me to tears can make me laugh when I try to share them with other people. We had a good thing - me and blogging. And then Facebook walked in.

Facebook was fast and loose. Up to 327 of my closest friends could "comment" on my one liners at any moment. It took me too long to realize that I'm really talking to about 9 people and that's ok because they're probably the only 9 of 327 that like me anyway! So my friend Dee, who started me on this blogging thing in the first place, just started her 3rd blog, I think. And, my friend Adrienne has started a blog and I realize how much I miss my spouse.

Sure, it's been fun, hot rodding around on Facebook but, to what end? I'm friends with my mother-in-law, lots of cousins-in-law, my first crush from elementary school, my first set of friends in College along with the guys we met our first year and a select few work colleagues. That is a match made in comment hell.

So, my job changed around a little bit. I'm feeling pressure from blogging friends I adore. And I miss blogging so I am committing to follow through on my New Years Resolution (circa 1/1/11 - yes I realize the date today) and I'm back. I hope you'll read and come back for more and help save me from myself or at least help me laugh. Will you stay with me Huma?

Good Morning

2010-04-26T13:57:00.006-04:00

Why oh why is it imperative that children must sleep late during the week and yet rise with the sun on the weekend? Sunday morning at 6 AM DD was awake. DH told her to go to the living room and put the tv on quietly. At 7:30 AM when we decided to join her there were post-it notes all around the house.

You'r kid is Cold! Sivring

You'r kid is Starving!

You'r kid is lonly.

All of the post-its had drawings to further describe the seriousness of her problem. But apparently the extra 90 minutes of rest I got was 90 minutes of pure torture for my daughter.

Letters I Will Never Send

2010-04-23T13:27:00.004-04:00

I read this initially on Telecommuter Talk and I hasten to post Emily's link because she's so witty. As long as you promise not to do a side by side comparison you should check them out. I loved this idea and I'm just poky about getting around to doing things these days.

Dear Rachel Ray,

I love the 30 Minute Meal idea - I really do. And I have seen the Food Network Challenge series a few times. I think I have found the perfect combination for the Food Network if they're interested in serving the interests of REAL people in the REAL world. I vote we get you, Bobby Flay, and Ina Garten in a room and have them make dinner for a 21 month old and a 6 year old at 6:15 p.m. on a week night. I want a dinner that's taste tested AND road tested!

Your adoring fan,

Sara

PS - Both kids get to be in the kitchen with you.

Dear Body,

I know we were never really friends. And I sense you think this is a somewhat abusive relationship but I promise I will start to take good care of you in about 3 years. I know you think I've defaulted on promises in the past but this time I mean it.

Yours in tight jeans,

Sara

Dear Kindergarten Teacher,

I know you're a big sports fan but we're one of the rare families that doesn't really care. Please stop pimping your local sports teams forcing my daughter to ask questions about who has won or lost. There are weightier issues worthy of time and conversation and right now we're enjoying that no one sits in front of a TV for 4 hours straight watching a game. If you could zip it I would be most thankful.

NPR obsessed mother,

Sara

Dear Celebrity of Former Fame,

See how much it sucks to be "regular people." Now you're out of shape too. Ptttth.

Pompously yours,

Sara

Dear Clock,

I get that there are only 24 hours but if you could make some of those work to my advantage once in a while I would appreciate it.

Always late,

Sara

Dear Magazine Editor,

I have no idea who you think your audience is. I don't know what your marketing results say about how much we spend on clothing but an article featuring "finds under $100" still makes an outfit somewhere around $400. Either I'm reading above my tax bracket or I'm terribly cheap.

Yours in change,

Sara

Alex Andrew

2010-04-19T15:23:00.002-04:00

Conversation with DD...

"Mom, a new boy is going to be in my classroom. It's after the first 100 days but it's ok."

"Do you know his name?"

"It's Alex Andrew."

"Alex Andrew (said very slowly)...are you sure it's not Alexander?"

"No, it's Alex Andrew."

"Is it Alex Andrews?

"No, it's Alex Andrew."

"Really...his name is Alex Andrew...two first names?"

"Yep."

"That's interesting. Do you know where he's coming from?"

"I think China."

So this conversation happened in about 60 seconds but I stopped after the China comment. A week later we celebrated DD's birthday in her classroom. I made cupcakes for all of the kids with toothpick flags that had their name on them. I checked with DD and regardless of the boy's full name he is called just Alex so he got an "Alex" flag. The Alex Andrew thing was making me nuts so the day of the party I asked DD's teacher about the new boy. His name is Alexander and he transferred from the school down the street - same district - different elementary school - not China.

All this and DD wonders why I ask every day, "How was your day? What did you do?" She says it's always the same - why do I ask. I ask because some day a boy from China named Alex Andrew might move into your class which means I need to make sure we have an extra cupcake for your birthday party.

The Taster Tooth

2010-04-07T17:04:00.003-04:00

DD has her first loose tooth. It has been loose since February. And, unlike her mother, she is not a compulsive child so she barely touches the thing. I would have had it wiggled out in a few days. She's patiently allowing mother nature to take her sweet time.

Every day I check on the status of the tooth. "DD how's that tooth?" And I get a variety of answers. Though yesterday I was informed that I needed to prepare lunches that would be easier for her to bite. I told her to use the side teeth - her molars - to bite crunchy or hard to chew foods.

I was told that the front tooth is "the taster of everything except carrots" and that all of her food (except carrots) had to pass by the front tooth. How do you respond to that without laughing?

Forcing Covers

2010-04-05T16:07:00.003-04:00

DH and I have been going around and around about sleeping and the sheets since we've been married and it's likely that we'll talk about it until we're dead. I like neat sheets all tucked in like I'm at a hotel so I have to sleep with pointed toes. I don't move in my sleep - I lay flat, wake up and pull back my cover triangle that I pushed back to get out of bed. And over the weekend while DH and DD were visiting my in-laws I changed the sheets, slept completely flat and still, woke up in the morning and pulled back my little corner. I loved it.

Now, to make a comfortable bed for DH I could just pull a pile of sheets from the dryer and toss them on top of the bed and he'd sleep on it. Three cheers for low maintenance living and low domestic expectations. Three boos for no motivation to fix his side of the bed when it turns into a mangled mess. I don't know what he does in his sleep (partly because it's not waking me up) but he gets up in the morning and the mattress pad will be off on his corner of the bed. What can you possibly do in your sleep that would work the fitted sheet and mattress pad off the corner of the mattress. He'd sleep on a naked mattress - which also bothers me.

So at night when I get in to my tight and tidy side and he pulls into rumpleville I try to flatten the sheets over the two of us so we can lay like civilized people. He always asks what I'm doing. I tell him that I'm straightening the sheets. I have been told that I am forcing covers on him. "No I'm not. I'm just trying to make the bed nice." "But we're going to sleep." "Yes, but your cover bundle is in the middle of the bed and it's annoying." "You can't force your covers on me." "They're not my covers. They're your covers on my side and they're in my way." "Well, don't put them on me." "So where should they go?" Crickets...no response.

How do you share a bed with someone like that? Perhaps some of you are thinking the same thing about me. I know my husband is.

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T20:58:00.003-04:00

I had decided about a week ago that I would plan an Easter feast for my little family - just the four of us. Since we're up to our eyeballs in dyed hard boiled eggs I thought I'd make deviled eggs. DD has never had them, I know DH's mother makes them and I haven't had them in a long time. So the menu was: deviled eggs, green salad (with a new lemon vinaigrette I found at the grocery store), green beans, mashed potatoes and lamb.

I asked everyone and their brother how to cook the lamb and they all cook it differently. So I was on my own. I mixed some salt, pepper, garlic and rosemary - cut holes in the lamb - and shoved in the mash. The house smelled great while it was baking. I even took the time to let it rest appropriately. And this is where the genuine chaos began.

Mack is now 20 months old and is usually done eating before you can even sit down so by the time I sat down he had moved his food from the plate to the lovely spring table cloth I just bought and had tossed his silverware to the ground. Thankfully he just sat and played in the mess while the rest of us ate. DH loves lamb and neither of the kids had ever had it. I made gravy and had a fancy little side dish for the mint jelly. All through dinner DD kept asking when she could eat the Jello. We were halfway through the meal before I found out she was talking about the mint jelly. I told her to put it with her meat and taste it. "Man, it tastes like toothpaste. Is that why they call it mint jelly?" Honestly I'd never noticed the similarity to toothpaste before - I just thought it worked well with lamb. And it was as good a time as any to find out that DH does not like deviled eggs but will, in fact, eat egg salad. The kids didn't like them either.

DD: "Mom, did you do this? Is it white chocolate?"

Me: "No, it's butter."

DD: "I didn't know you could do that to butter."

Me: "You like that huh? It's a lamb shape"

DD: "I didn't know you could make a lamb out of butter."

Me: "I didn't make it you know."

DD: "Oh, I thought you made it. Well, it has no legs."

That was DD's favorite part of the meal - the butter lamb - that she thought I hand carved! I should have kept my mouth shut. So we near the end of the meal and after a day chock full of candy I told her she could have two peeps for dessert. She proceeded to take the neck wrap off the butter lamb and wrap it around the peeps and she crammed the plastic Allelujah stick into the peep head. I wasn't paying attention and I hear her repeating A-Lou-Ja, A-Lou-Ja... I asked what she was doing. "It's what the stick says." Clearly we haven't been to church in a while.

Julia Childs I am not! But at least I had decent company for dinner. To you and yours - Happy Easter.

Children's Songs

2010-02-03T16:18:00.002-05:00

Until I had children I was not exposed to the world of children's music except for the occasional ad on TV promoting popular songs sung by children. I now know this is Kidz Bop. I am not at all a fan of Kidz Bop where children sing top 40 songs with (and sometimes over) the original singer. It's very strange and I can't appreciate a song that's been cleaned up for children - some songs just aren't appropriate and I think sometimes it's ok to leave it at that.

Then there's a second set of music for children that feature songs especially for the young 'uns -Row, Row, Row Your Boat; You Are My Sunshine; Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush, etc. I also tend to find those annoying because, well, I just do.

And, finally, a third category of children's music - which I can actually appreciate. These are songs sung by artists (some well known and some only well known in the world of parenthood) that appreciate the fact that someone is usually in the house or car with the child while they are listening to "children's music" so they aim for a middle ground. These artists aim for something funny and catchy for children yet tolerated by most adults. For me this list includes Laurie Berkner, Ralph Covert, Dan Zanes and They Might Be Giants.

While searching for "children's music" with DD to upload to my iPod we found that Barenaked Ladies released a children's CD last year. DD nearly fell off her chair when she heard Raisins. The lyrics are below and you can click here to hear it. If you're stuck listening to children's music - you might as well make the best of it!

Raisins come from Grapes
People come from Apes
I come from Canada

I came in first place
In a non existent race
To rebuild the Parthenon

The Parthenon's in Greece
Or was it in Grease 2
I can't keep my movies straight

When I make mistakes
I use a lot of salt
Cause salt makes m'steaks taste great

I don't want to be a bother
But I think the phone's for you

I've got orange pants
I wear them when I dance
But I don't get out that much

You are just too loud
I passed you in a crowd
Thank you and keep in touch

I don't speak Chinese
Not even like "please""Thank you", or "how are you"

But I can parle Francais
I parled a bit today
It seemed like the thing to do

I don't want to be a bother
But I think you're in my seat
(happy whistling!)

My Big Mouth

2010-02-01T14:29:00.002-05:00

I am a very tolerant person. I'm impatient but tolerant - if such a balance is possible - and I believe it is. Here's the problem...I have a big mouth. There's just something about my personality that lends itself, comically, to mistakes. My order gets messed up a lot at restaurants, I seem to constantly be in the slowest lane at the grocery store and I generally make "innocent" comments that turn out to be inappropriate.

Some examples:

KAREN
Neighbor to Sara: "Oh no, here comes Karen."
Sara to neighbor: "I don't think she's playing with a full deck."
Neighbor: "Yeah, I think she has problems."
Sara: "No kidding!"
Neighbor: "No, really, I think she is a little slow." (This said full of sympathy and seriousness)
Result - Sara looks like an inconsiderate ass!

MAN IN PARKING LOT
Sara to DH while in car: "Man that guy is just poking across the street. Can he walk any slower?"
DH: "I think there's something wrong with him."
Sara: "Yeah, he needs to get a move on, it's cold out."
DH: "No, really, I think he has an artificial leg."
Result - Sara looks like an inconsiderate ass!

ANDREA BOCCELLI
While watching musical performances with MIL and DH last year...
MIL: "You know who I really like? Andrea Boccelli."
Sara: "He bothers me."
MIL: "Why?"
Sara: "He's always got his eyes closed when he's singing. It makes me nuts."
DH: "I'm pretty sure he's blind."
Sara: "Shut up."
MIL: "No, I think DH is right. He's blind."
Sara: "Oh, come on. Why does this always happen to me? I didn't know he was blind!"
Result - Sara looks like an inconsiderate ass!

And so the last night's Grammy Awards just offered another opportunity for me to be reminded of my constant gaffs as my MIL emailed me this morning to tell me she laughs at me every time she sees Andrea Boccelli. And this, my friends, will be my unfortunate legacy!

Fruit-Filled Toaster "Pastries"

2010-01-28T11:46:00.003-05:00

I have been working hard to feed DD properly - since birth. I didn't comprehend, when I was pregnant, just how much I would fret about what my children did or didn't eat but sometimes it consumes me. There is so much pressure to provide your children with the ultimate foodie experience. "Give them Thai food, put fruits and veggies on their plate to make a forest, cut your whole wheat bread sandwiches into shapes with a cookie cutter" Aaaah, Parents Magazine is going to be the death of me.

I work as hard as I can to use whole wheat/whole grain as an alternative to white anything. I try to serve at least one fruit or vegetable at every meal. The kids don't drink soda. We try to limit sweets. Our cupboards are full of odd organic foods. Heck, I grew up eating "sugary" cereals and I turned out just fine. So when DD asked for Pop Tarts my heart stopped. "Hell NO!" (Well, that's what I wanted to say.)

To fulfill her innocent request to be like other kids I visited the organic aisle and picked up organic toaster pastries. She complained that they weren't Pop Tarts. I asked her how she knew. "There's no sprinkles." Ugh, hello organic people, how am I going to fake out my kid successfully if you don't go the full mile on your toaster pastries? Next step, buy whole grain version of Pop Tarts. Again, displeasure. Finally, I submitted but I told her she could have one for breakfast. That's bad for two reasons. One, it's not really enough food to sustain a busy 5 year old until lunch and two, it's a really crappy breakfast.

I tried to explain to DD that food is fuel and Pop Tarts won't really "make her engine go." That led into a whole conversation about why only healthy food really makes your engine work right - which was a lot more detail than I had planned on. Bottom line, we finished the box of original, high sugar Pop Tarts and I tried to sneak away quietly. So far, it's working! Now we're arguing about what goes in the lunchbox!

Golden Touch

2010-01-25T21:08:00.003-05:00

DH bought me a small black Coach purse for Christmas because he "noticed that I didn't have a nice purse for dressy occasions." There are some wonderful points here I could mention but to get to the story... the purse came with a case of Coach nail polish in four shades.

I find the idea of Coach nail polish ridiculous in the first place and I was happy to find out that it came as a bonus gift with the purse and DH didn't actually buy it. But nail polish is nail polish so I thought I'd use it. One of the bottles was gold - very trendy metallic. My toes have been in dire need of some TLC so I brushed some on this weekend.

I was terribly disappointed to find out that it looks like I have some golden fungal infection on all ten toes. Needless to say I look less than modern and metallic. Maybe the gold is too close to my own skin tone. My aunt and DH said it didn't look as bad as I thought. The picture I texted to my sister got a hearty chuckle and she felt bad for me and my attempt at trend watching. As DD has taken to saying these days, "too bad... so sad!"

Express

2010-01-22T14:11:00.003-05:00

What happened to January? That's what I'd like to know. If someone wasn't sick in my house, we were at a birthday party or working overtime or just trying to do some laundry. But, in all the chaos, I sent both children to daycare on Martin Luther King's birthday and I got to spend the day alone. (Ok, truth be told, I invited DD to lunch and told her we could go see the new Chipmunks movie. She told me she'd rather go to daycare with her little brother. She's 5! I got snubbed but I made the best of it!)

The weekend before the MLK holiday my sister (who wears a size 0 or a 2 if the store doesn't make 0's) brought over some jeans from Express that were a 4 and didn't fit her. She asked our sister Rebecca and I (neither of us 0's, 2's or 4's) if we wanted to try them on. I told her she was mean so she replied that the jeans were "too big." Ah, what the hell, I'll try them on just to shut her up. They freakin fit! However, Rebecca and my husband told me I was too old for them. And, to be fair, they were pre-ripped jeans - a little trendier than my Levis so they went back to Express.

That event gave me pause. First of all, I'm too old for something, though I did start to realize that when I was new to Facebook and all of its newfangled technology. Second, I fit into a size 4! Hello! That's not at all my size. And I haven't been into Express since high school when all of the employees were rail thin and nasty because they were in desperate need of a cheeseburger. The last thing you want when you are trying on clothes and are keenly aware of your body is some bean pole blonde looking down her nose at you..."Do you need another size?" "Shut up size double 0, I'm doing just fine in here!" Ok, I'm getting bitter, but it's one of the reasons I stopped shopping at Express.

Back to the moment...I needed new work pants desperately. I am still wearing post maternity pants that I bought just to get me through my first few months back to work after Mack was born. The crotch hangs mid-thigh on most of my pants and I look like a clown - it was time to class things up. So on my MLK day alone I went to the mall and I stopped in Express. A very nice girl in mandatory Express apparel with edgy black hair and bangs asked if I needed a dressing room. She started to talking to me about a sweater I had in my hands - she wore it yesterday and loves it. "You need a tank top with that sweater, and it looks really cute with skinny jeans. What size do you wear? I'll pull some stuff together for you." My heart sunk. Now this girl wasn't a bean pole but I don't like to talk about sizes, contrary to this blog post. And, skinny jeans? Um yeah, I'm more an "apple bottom" gal. So I take a deep breath and tell her...."8." She says, "Yeah, well you're jeans are too big. I'll grab a 4." What? So now I'm wondering if I'm dead and this is what heaven is like.

Edgy Black Bangs comes back with size 4 skinny jeans, a blue sequin tank top, a skinny belt and my oversized slouchy grey sweater - the only thing in the mix I actually chose. I was WAY outside my comfort zone. I got the whole get up on and the whole time my legs were begging for air - though the skinny jeans would work in place of compression hose if I was about 40 years older. I was so out of sorts so Edgy Black Bangs wraps the belt around my waist and plays with the sweater and decides I'm too small for such a large piece. Who is this girl? I told her I hadn't worn sequins outside of a dance recital and that she was going to take me kicking and screaming out of 1993. By the way, I found out that Edgy Black Bangs graduated from HIGH SCHOOL in 2001!

So after the skinny pants incident I went back to the task at hand...work pants. I found two pair on the sale rack and they fit the way all of my pants did - too long and kinda crappy looking. Edgy Black Bangs saw me and said, I know exactly what you need. She came back with some Editor pants in "short" and miracle of miracles they were the best pants I'd ever put on. They were not a 4 but they looked so much nicer than anything I had worn in years. I wish the girl worked on commission - it would have given me a reason to buy more than the two pair of pants I found.

Now I'm addicted to these pants and will be on the hunt for Express sales so I can go back and buy more and visit Edgy Black Bangs. I'll have to think about the sequin top - it was pretty but I felt like Fancy Nancy from DD's storybooks. Any thoughts on the sequins?

It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

2009-12-23T14:20:00.003-05:00

Before I run out of the office to wrap gifts at elf-speed I wanted to share a song that has been running through my head since our "all-Christmas-all-the-time" radio station launched into overdrive the day after Thanksgiving. If you know your Christmas songs you know the lyrics to "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" and you can start in on the slow sway wallowing in Johnny Mathis's voice. And I love this version.

It's unusual however, that a band would cover a popular Christmas song and find a way to make it new, make it their own. (Heck, that's the case for any cover - I recognized the recent cover of "Africa" and I'm cool because I already know the words, and for the most part, the melody.) This version of "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" is different though. Sara Groves found a way to tweak a traditional song and, in some ways, make it better. I won't deny that the fact that she spells her name properly has nothing to do with my adoration but it doesn't hurt her at all.

If you're open to the idea of modern artists singing Christmas music then you should take a listen. This isn't your Grandma's version but it's hip and hopeful and lovely. May your holiday be hip, hopeful and lovely as well.

(If you happen to need a break from the overwhelming onslaught of the "all-Christmas-all-the-time" station you'll enjoy this car wreck of a compilation!)

Tuesday's Tunes

2009-11-17T09:28:00.002-05:00

I heard this song on NPR this mroning and the lyrics were just so funny. It's been a long time since lyrics have made me snicker like that. The words are fun and when you hear the song it has this sort of bluesy, singer/songwriter feel to it. And the best part is that it's about a dog!

Man Of The Hour
by Norah Jones

It’s him or me
That’s what he said
But I can’t choose
Between a vegan and a pot head

So I chose you,
because you’re sweet
and you give me lots of lovin’
and you eat meat

And that’s how you became
My only man of the hour

You never lie
And you don’t cheat
And you don’t have any baggage tied to your four feet
Do I deserve to be the one,
who will feed you breakfast, lunch, and dinner and take you to the park at dawn
Will you really be
My only man of the hour

I know you’ll never bring me flowers
Flowers they will only die
And though we’ll never take a shower together
I know you’ll never make me cry

You never argue
You don’t even talk
And I like the way you let me lead you
when we go outside and walk

Will you really be
My only man of the hour?
My only man of the hour
My only man of the hour

Tuesday's Tunes

2009-11-10T13:56:00.004-05:00

This song pops up nearly everyday in my Pandora rotation and though I've never heard it until recently it makes me smile every time I hear it. The lyrics are silly and the tune is bouncy but the best part is the British accent. Cheese on toast is so much better when you have an accent. And I adore the line "you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be," it's so true but so lovely the way it's presented - very glass half full. Enjoy!!

Merry Happy
by Kate Nash

Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around
Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be
Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around
Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own(
do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my ownI can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

The Hambits

2009-11-06T16:42:00.002-05:00

Wednesday night I ventured out for dinner alone with both kids. We went to Perkins right around the corner from our house - it was going to be faster than cooking. They seemed in relatively good moods so I thought it would be manageable.

Mack, now 16 months old, was tossing his crayons and paper off the table. DD and I played the games on the kids menu/coloring book Perkins provides, fending off Mack the whole time. So it's chaos, but manageable chaos. Then the food comes out - here's what's next. Mack grabs a silver dollar pancake and tries to shove it in his mouth whole. DD is in hysterics as I try to grab his plate and cut the pancakes into edible bite sizes that don't pose a choking hazard. Next, cut DD's pancakes and allow her to pour the syrup because she's begging, "I'm old enough I can do it." The heavy handed pour overloads her plate with syrup. I grab the syrup bottle and DD says, "yum!"

I look at the eggs benedict I decided to order and start to cut. Mack decides he's done sitting in his seat and he's done with pancakes. I take him out of the high chair before he hurts himself and he empties the sugar packets out of the container and proceeds to pick up and bite every creamer in the bowl. DD is, again, dying with laughter. (I was afraid she would be the target for exploding creamers but none of them broke.) As I attempted to cut into my dinner, the waitress came over to take Mack's plate away and she asked if the kids wanted balloons - to which DD replied, "yes please, pink for me and blue for Mack."

DD finishes dinner just before the balloons arrive. Now both kids have balloons - Mack's first. He holds it close to himself and it bops him in the head. He laughs...does it again...DD laughs....he does it again. This goes on and on until their laughter becomes "outdoor voice" loud - they were shushed. Our table was a mess. And The Restaurant Gods reminded me of another time...another place...in my not so recent past...

In high school and during college breaks I was a waitress/buffet girl/cashier/prep cook at Ponderosa. It was in the waitressing mode on Sunday's when I used to decry a family we called "The Hambits." The Hambits Family would come in with their two kids and feed the baby spaghetti and ham bits from the buffet. The baby would make a huge mess and leave a pile of spaghetti and ham bits in his wake. Everyone hated waiting on them because of the mess (and they didn't tip in relation to the mess!) I am, now, The Hambits Family! Maybe it's Karma. Maybe it's just that royal, "Don't judge lest ye be judged" thing. Or perhaps there's some sort of "don't throw stones at people in glass houses because you might live in one some day" type thing. Regardless, I did feel a little karmic revenge taking place.

PS - I shared this with the waitress (because I'm partly crazy) and she said the kids were polite and not that messy. Maybe she was just jonesing for a good tip but it made me feel better.

Halloween Meme II

2009-10-30T16:04:00.002-04:00

I was tagged for this meme but since I don't know 13 bloggers, readers, feel free to consider yourself tagged and post on Facebook. I start with a warning that I am finally not afraid of the dark and am terrified by horror movies. I watched The Ring with my husband and when the phone rang during the movie I thought I might die. This should be fun!

Rules:
1. Answer the questions on your own blog.
2. Tag 13 others to answer the questions on their blogs and link to them.

1). Which urban legend ghost scared the bejeezus out of you when you were a kid?

Bloody Mary hands down. I remember being in the girls bathroom in elementary school and turning the lights off. I thought for sure that I would die in there. To this day I can visualize that bathroom with the lights out.

2). Which horror movie has the best premise?

Halloween. I hate the idea that you can run and you can hide but a slow walking crazy man will still get you - the thought just freaks me out.

3). What is the most disappointing "treat" to receive in your bag on Halloween night?

Pennies. Go chocolate or go home!

4). What's the best non-candy item to receive?

Snack sized bags of chips. Those were from the big houses on the street!

5). Did a monster live in your closet when you were a child?

Emily answered this question for me - better than I would have written it but with the same sentiment. All due to my younger sister Katie who adored the idea of scaring the crap out of me as a child. (Yes, I did say YOUNGER sister.)

6). Which supernatural creature sent chills up your spine when you were ten and still does?

Anything that came out in the dark made me run for the light - supernatural or otherwise.

7). Which supernatural creature makes you yawn?

Witches. I know they're not necessarily supernatural but they have supernatural powers. Yeah we get it, coven, spells, pointy hat...move along.

8). What's your favorite Halloween decoration?

I love all of them. I love decorating for Halloween, though you wouldn't know it at our house because we're only slightly decorated this year.

9). If you could be anywhere on Halloween night, where would you be?

Right where I plan on being - running from house to house collecting candy from other people. Oh to live your life through your children ;)

10). What's the scariest book you've read so far this year?

Had I read a scary book I wouldn't be sleeping. I stick to mildly frightening TV and that's as far as I can take it. NCIS can give me nightmares.

11). Haunted houses or haunted hayrides?

NEITHER! I will confess, before someone blows the whistle, that I went through a haunted house in college (late in college) at the request of my roommate (who's birthday is 10/31) and I nearly had a panic attack, came close to tears, and was physically removed from the haunted house only part way through. I know they're not real but suspending belief is hard when the spookies pop out in your face. And oh, the sound of a chainsaw in the dark...RUN!

12). Which Stephen King novel/movie would you least like to find yourself trapped in?

There's a worst? I have never, nor will I ever be able to, read Stephen King.

13). Which are creepiest: evil dolls, evil pets, or evil children?

Evil dolls. I remember a B movie about dolls that killed people. I watched it sometime in the 1980's and I'm still haunted. These tiny dolls had knives - it's just wrong.

Medium

2009-10-23T15:24:00.003-04:00

To write this post I have to confess to eating fast food but, it's for the greater good... I placed my order at the drive-thru at Wendys. "Welcome to Wendy's, what can I get you?" "Can I have a #1 combo please - without cheese." "What size?" "Medium" "And what to drink?" "Diet Coke" (because you need it to counteract the fries!)

I pull up to the building hole that dispenses food (I'm not sure that food service could get any lower than this.) A poorly paid, disgruntled teen handed me the drink while my food was being collected/prepared/bagged. He handed me a medium Diet Coke and it was, perhaps, the largest beverage I have ever taken possession of. I was in my car, alone, and I was actually embarrassed. What kind of medium comes in a 1 gallon cup? I thought my car would tip over a-la the Flintstones.

Then, last week, I stopped for a slice of pizza at the mall - medium Diet Pepsi became TANK of Diet Pepsi. I thought the woman in front of me had a medium - it looked like a medium. Apparently she got a small and I got a tank of Diet Pepsi. I was embarrassed that I had to hold my drink with two hands like a toddler.

So what got lost between 1980 and 2009? How did a medium inch up to a Big Gulp? I just find it embarrassing to carry around a drink that large. How thirsty can one person be? And if you're not that thirsty, how long do you plan to leave your drink "active"? Are you going to sip from that sweaty cup until the ice is melted only to mop up the giant residual puddle? Am I the only one noticing this? It wouldn't be entirely crazy to think that I am!

When People Don't "Get Me"

2009-10-01T12:02:00.000-04:00

I'm an unusual breed - I know that. I have a tendency to lean towards the sarcastic. This is a proven way to fail with children because they do not understand the concept of sarcasm. They hear you say, "Oh you're too full to eat your vegetables? Of course you can still have ice cream for dessert." and they start to lick their chops. Really, what I meant was, if you're too full for vegetables you're too full for dessert.

But alas, sometimes adults don't get it either. Or they just don't appreciate it. I haven't decided yet. Here's my most recent example: I signed up for the Playground Fundraising Committee because the PTA wants to build a new playground for the kids at DD's new elementary school. They want a splinter free playground that doesn't harbor wood-boring bees, not a bad idea. So my focus will be on corporate fundraising and another mother, whom I've never met, is working on grants. I thought we should probably meet so after several rounds of emails we agreed to meet tonight at Panera Bread. I sent her an email to confirm and I told her she'd be able to find me because I'd be carrying a rose. *crickets* She never replied. There's the sound of one hand clapping right? Now I look like a loon.

Now, someone who gets me...earlier this afternoon I sent a co-worker an email. We agreed to meet in our campus center but gave no more specific information than that. So I tried again. I told her she'd be able to find me because I'd be carrying a red rose. She replied and said she'd be carrying Pride & Prejudice. Ok, now she got it. Unless she's actually carrying Pride & Prejudice next week and then I look like an idiot again.

You Can't Cheat Death

2009-09-30T19:26:00.003-04:00

No friends, that's right, you can't cheat death. And you cannot lie about it either because the Grim Reaper keeps track of liars and truth extenders and pays them back in ways unknowable. And tonight we experienced Murphy's Law according to the Grim Reaper.

Coldstone 2.0 had a very dirty tank and tonight was "tank cleaning night." After dinner out with DD's friend and his mom we marched straight for the bathroom - the home of Coldstone 2.0. Well...guess who was laying stone cold dead at the bottom of the damn tank for all the world and two kids to see? Oh yes my friends, it's Coldstone 2.0.

DD wanted to see him. "Why are you all stiff when you're dead?" "Will I get flushed down the toilet when I die?" "Oooh, does Coldstone get to go to heaven now? Can I go too?" Aaaaaah! This is the Grim Reaper's revenge. DH and I thought about telling the truth - fessing up that Mommy killed Coldstone 1.0 but it was 6:30 in the morning and clarity of thought was not possible.

To be honest I'm glad to be set free by the truth that Coldstone (regardless of version) is dead. So she asked for a new fish. I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

Coldstone

2009-09-22T10:40:00.003-04:00

In August my father took DD to the County Fair and, just my luck, they won a goldfish. Which means I won a goldfish because clearly the 5 year old isn't going to be cleaning a fish tank or feeding the fish with any great regularity. So I have watched this ailing little Fair fish that came home in a plastic bag blossom into this squirmy little guy full of action. He's really come into his own over the past few weeks and he's definitely a member of the family.

When the fish arrived at our home DD was the only person who was excited about it but DH took her to the pet store and they came home with more than a $5 fish bowl so I think he was enjoying it a wee little bit. DD named the fish Coldstone - yes, after the ice cream establishment. We even upgraded little Coldstone's tank to include a filter.

His new tank has a black lid and I feel like it makes the little guy claustrophobic. Could you imagine if the sky were black? Ugh, how oppressive. So every once in a while I move the lid sideways so Coldstone can breathe. DH always moves it back and that makes me crazy but it's a silent fight we keep having.

This morning I get out of the shower and DH pops his head in to ask if I moved the lid on Coldstone's tank. (Of course I did, last night.) Well, Coldstone JUMPED OUT OF THE TANK and landed in our sink and died. WHAT??? Why is this goldfish jumping like a dolphin? Who knew this was a possibility? If I knew that the fish would jump out I would have left the lid on - or, more likely, I wouldn't have believed DH so I still would have moved the lid so maybe this was inevitable.

Anyway, I killed Coldstone and I feel like a bad, bad Mommy today. DH told DD that Coldstone wasn't in his bowl because we were going to clean it. Really, we now have to purchase Coldstone 2 and just replace poor Coldstone 1. I feel terrible about the slight of hand, I feel terrible because I started to like that little fish and I feel terrible because who knew goldfish would jump like that. Tuesday's off to a rough start!

In-Betweens

2009-09-21T09:39:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile huh? I love blogging and reading blogs but my life has taken over between the end of the summer and the start of the school year (our first year in elementary school) and work and a mini-semi-vaca, laundry, grocery, shopping and the like have just run me into the ground. I'm having a wee bit of trouble with the work-mom-life balance - I've got the first two down well, it's that last part I'm struggling with.

In the meantime I discovered a new body part - in-betweens. I am not sure if you know about them but I was advised of their existence during a hand washing session with DD that was taking w a y t o o l o n g. I yelled to her, "DD what in the world are you doing in there?" No response, as is typical of a female 5 year old. Therefore I was forced to actually go to the bathroom to see why the water was still running. I saw her with her fingers fanned out and she was poking her hand in and out of the water.

"What in the world are you doing? Are you done washing your hands?" "Ugh, Mom, I'm cleaning my in-betweens." So I learned that "in-betweens" are the little webbing between your fingers. In DD's attempt to be a thorough hand washer she realized that she was leaving bubbles behind in her in-betweens. So, now every hand washing is incomplete until the bubbles are gone from our "in-betweens."

And, as you prepare for the season of H1N1/Swine Flu I suggest that, you too, discover and sanitize your in-betweens!

We Don't Need No Stinking Patches

2009-08-14T17:11:00.003-04:00

DD is spending a few weeks at outdoor camp. It's dirty and dusty and buggy and all sorts of things I don't love and she's having a great time. On Tuesday she was selected to be "Camper of the Day" which means she got to bring home Patches.

Patches is a stuffed dog in stuffed dog slippers. And Patches comes with a journal which (Mom) needs to complete. And, because everything's a competition, parents (Moms) included pictures of their child with Patches and detailed stories of the day with Patches. As you progress through the Patches Journal you can see that parents wrote more and got craftier with their pages.

I was totally stressing. Essentially we had 12 hours to have Patches home, have enough fun with him to write up a page in the Patches Journal, take and print pictures, go to bed, get up and get to camp! Who are these magical parents who were able to complete such an insane assignment? I had my pictures uploaded to Snapfish and sent off to Walgreens by 8 PM. I actually called Walgreens because they said that the pictures wouldn't be ready until 11 AM on Wednesday. WHAT? It's 2 pictures. So I called Walgreens and they promised to print them right away so DH could pick them up before 10 on his way home from work.

Well, under the sign of "What Can Go Wrong Will" DH was late and didn't get the pictures. I told DD we'd return Patches on Wednesday and the Journal would go on Thursday. Hey, I can only do what I can do right?

Penny Pinching

2009-07-23T21:34:00.002-04:00

I have a bad back and, for a while now, I haven't had any problems but over the last week I've done something. I know it wasn't exercise but I did something that made my back angry. I also have some odd inexplicable muscle soreness in muscles I don't use. I have no idea what's going on but I don't like it.

When my back hurts the best fix for me is those fabulous little ThermaCare Heat Wraps. So I stopped in Target to see what they had and it was Large/XL ThermaCare or One Size Fits All (and costs less) Target Back & Hip Heating thingy. Target won since the Large/XL would have been annoying for me (I needed the Sm/Med.) So guess what sucks? Yep, Target Back & Hip Heating thingy! So today I went back to the store and bought the ThermaCare. Except now I've spent way more money because I had to buy the damn things twice and one set doesn't work!!

I decided that there is in fact a list of items that must, come hell or high water, only be purchased in name brands. First I would like to acknowledge the helpful and always trustworthy ThermaCare product line - apparently a proven place not to scrimp. Also, Oreos! Sorry Sunshine chocolate cookies with white cream, you tried but you didn't get the job done. And poor, poor generic dishwasher detergent...you tried to clean my dishes, really you did, but instead you just sat there and let little crusts nestle on my glasses. You have taught me that only Cascade will do. My other generic friends cotton ear swab and tissues...you have hurt me so badly that Q-Tips and Kleenex will forever have me as a customer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a brand snob, I have just found that there are certain places I can't scrimp because it's not worth it. I know there are more poor substitutions out there just begging us to buy their higher priced name brand competitors but my brain has stopped for tonight. What am I missing?

The Fashion of History

2009-07-17T08:28:00.005-04:00

DH has an undergraduate degree in history. I found this out not long after we met. Around that same time I discovered that this love of history transcended history and extended into "future history" and a love of all tv shows relating to debate and politics. (Personally, I've heard enough arguing in my life to be a little turned off by talking, nay arguing, heads on 24 hour news channels.)

Poor DH married a woman with a degree in communications and a minor in womens studies. (This means I took COM360 - Women, Children & Minorities in the Media while he took Palestine Under the Greeks & Romans. And really, whose fault is that, on paper we both have degrees!) Poor DH also married a woman with extreme deficits in math and a scant memory of history class in high school. (Fortunately Art History counted as mandatory gen ed history courses for me in college!) On the flip side, poor me, because the things I do remember about history DH never caught on to.

A few years ago we were talking about Genghis Khan and he said, "Do you even know who that is?" To which I responded, "Is that the guy who wore furry boots?" Which lead into a conversation revolving around "is that really what you remember about Genghis Khan?" (To which the answer was "yes.") In my defense there must be pictures in history books for a reason and I remember a shot of the guy standing in boots that looked like this...

And, truthfully, I'm a bit disappointed that I can't find a picture online of the man in said boots but I swear it was in my history book.

This Genghis Khan story is relevant because since Mack was born all of my baby hair has been growing. I've always had these little wisps all over my head and they never grew. Well, now they're growing. Not just growing but GROWING all over my head and we're at about 3 inches now. I can't wear a pony tail, it looks like I have bangs, it's crazy and it looks awful. Last night I wrapped my hair in a bun before I went to bed and this morning I had a ring of 3 inch hair all over. I'm so annoyed with the whole thing so I was pointing it out to DH who said it wasn't as bad as I thought. I told him I looked like Christopher Columbus...

...to which DH replied, "How do you remember what Christopher Columbus's hair looked like?" The answer..."Same way I remember Genghis Khan's boots. This is what I remember about history."

Tuesday's Tunes on Wednesday!

2009-07-15T15:45:00.006-04:00

Have you ever heard a song and thought, "How did she get into my head? I mean, really, was she taking notes?" There are a lot of songs that I adore that I can connect to my life but it rarely happens that a song speaks to me in such a way that I actually get chills. Angel by Sarah McLachlan is one of those songs. Perhaps you'd need the back story but this blog is not really about sob stories so I'll spare you the details. I also adore the song Vincent written by Don McLean and I think Josh Groban's rendition is haunting while McLean's version is sung so matter-of-factly that you almost gloss over the tragedy of the lyrics. However, these songs are stunningly beautiful and reflect an indescribable event in my life in such a lovely way they have to be my tunes for Tuesday (or Wednesday if you want to be hypercritical!)

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Vincent
by Don McLean
performed by Josh Groban

Starry starry night
paint your palette blue and grey
look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the darkness in my soul.

Shadows on the hills
sketch the trees and the daffodils
catch the breeze and the winter chills
in colors on the snowy linen land.

And now I understand
what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they did not know how
perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry starry night
flaming flo'rs that brightly blaze
swirling clouds in violet haze
reflect in Vincent's eyes of China blue.

Colors changing hue
morning fields of amber grain
weathered faces lined in pain
are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

And now I understand
what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
perhaps they'll listen now.
For they could not love you
but still your love was true
and when no hope was left in sight
on that starry starry night.
You took your life as lovers often do;
But I could have told you Vincent
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

Starry starry night
portraits hung in empty halls
frameless heads on nameless walls
with eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met
the ragged men in ragged clothes
the silver thorn of bloody rose
lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

And now I think I know
what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they're not list'ning still
perhaps they never will.

Bear Paws

2009-07-14T14:31:00.003-04:00

Last week I went to the dentist for my regular 6 month cleaning. Actually I missed my originally scheduled appointment so my tooth cleaning goddess was booked and I rescheduled for the soonest available appointment. I did not ask who would be cleaning my teeth since I only know "Barb the dental hygienist" it wouldn't have mattered if it was Lisa or Tina or Cindy.

They called my name and I walked back with my male dental hygienist. Now let me preface what I am about to say here...a girl can do anything a boy can do and vice versa...I just happen to have some odd discriminatory preferences. I prefer my female ob/gyn because I think she "gets it" she doesn't just "understand." (However I did have a fabulous male gyn once!) I prefer a female masseuse (not that men don't do a good job I just feel very awkward with the nudity.) Although I am totally comfortable with male or female dentists and nurses. But this was my first tryst with a male dental hygienist though and I didn't love it.

I was surprisingly uncomfortable with his closeness and I was extraordinarily aware of his giant bear paws digging around in my mouth. I was shocked at my response but it was a gut response so I had no control. Now that I think about it I probably would have been annoyed regardless because he was also a chatty Cathy and told a lot of bad jokes. I was waiting for him to get all Fozzie Bear on me and say Wokka Wokka and I'm only half joking. At the end of the day I think it was his general proximity. No man has been that close to my face other than my husband, ok, and the male dentist but he was only in my grill for a few scant seconds.

Now that I'm writing this I feel a little bad but it was terribly awkward and I can't wait to schedule my January appointment with Barb!

Bounce House of Herpes

2009-07-12T09:54:00.003-04:00

Growing up my mother used to warn me that "hot tubs were a hot bed of infection." More specifically she warned of yeast infections so all I think of when I see a public hot tub is a bubbling cauldron of filth. They are supposed to be so relaxing but the warning has been drilled into my head so I am unable to envision hot tubs as an escape.

Yesterday DD and Mack were at my Aunt's house so I could get my hair cut. (Who's kidding who here - it was a full on cut, color and highlights gig so I was away for 2 1/2 hours. More relaxing than a hot tub!) Anyway, her neighbors had an enormous bounce house blown up in their yard and my Uncle thought it would be fun to take DD over. Aunt replied with an emphatic NO.

First, apparently they don't know the neighbors. Uncle has no problem with this as he'll ask anyone for anything but Aunt sees this as a problem. Second, a bounce house is a hot bed of infection as well! She said, "Absolutely not, she can get herpes from that thing!" What? This is one I've never heard of. Now I'm 30+ years old and I still love a good bounce house but that was the first time in my life I was warned about getting herpes from a bounce house.

I'm not sure if I should heed this warning or if there was some strange epidemic in Aunt's youth where a kid got herpes from a bounce house. On one hand I'm so tempted to google "bounce + house + herpes" and on the other hand I don't want to know. Poor Mack and DD are already resigned to a life of sunscreen, seat belts, car seats and antibacterial soap/spray/wipes - all things that adults blew off in my youth. Do I really want to take away the bounce house? (Granted they'll be more likely to make it safely into adult than children of earlier decades but a bounce house...)

Tuesday's Tunes

2009-07-07T14:12:00.006-04:00

Well who knew that today was an official holiday? Apparently it's Michael Jackson Day all day on every tv station - even CNN is a big sell out and the Today Show had a "special edition" this morning in honor of MJ Day. THIS is not news. A death is news - todays "tribute concert" is a cheap and easy way for journalists to get out of a day of real work.

Anyway, I digress, but I will indulge MJ Day because the Michael of my memory reminds me of a gross flowery carpet in my living room and lots of dancing to records. The Michael of my youth, the one I think of when I hear the word Michael Jackson, is a fantastic dancer with albums you could play over and over. (Great big ole records that would play 5 songs on one side (flip) and 4 on the other (flip) and repeat.)

The song that IS the 1980's to me and has a little bit of 70's funk to it is P.Y.T, so if CNN can cheat on journalism, I can cheat on my blog and share a little Pretty Young Thing for Tuesday's Tunes! Plus, how often do you get to write the word "tenderoni" since the 90's ended?

Where Did You Come From Lady
And Ooh Won't You Take Me There
Right Away Won't You Baby
Tenderoni You've Got To Be
Spark My Nature
Sugar Fly With Me
Don't You Know Now
Is The Perfect Time
We Can Make It Right
Hit The City Lights
Then Tonight Ease The Lovin' Pain
Let Me Take You To The Max

I Want To Love You
(P.Y.T.)Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin'
(T.L.C.)Tender Lovin' Care
And I'll Take You There
I Want To Love You
(P.Y.T.)Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin'
(T.L.C.)Tender Lovin' Care
I'll Shake You There

Nothin' Can Stop This Burnin'
Desire To Be With You
Gotta Get To You Baby
Won't You Come, It's Emergency
Cool My Fire Yearnin'
Honey, Come Set Me Free
Don't You Know Now
Is The Perfect Time
We Can Dim The Lights
Just To Make It Right
In The Night
Hit The Lovin' Spot
I'll Give You All That I've Got

I Want To Love You
(P.Y.T.)Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin'
(T.L.C.)Tender Lovin' Care
And I'll Take You There
I Want To Love You
(P.Y.T.)Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin'
(T.L.C.)Tender Lovin' Care
I'll Take You There

Breakdown
Pretty Young Things, Repeat After Me
[Michael] I Said Na Na Na
[P.Y.T.'S] Na Na Na
[Michael] Na Na Na Na
[P.Y.T.'S] Na Na Na Na
[Michael] Na Na Na
[P.Y.T.'S] Na Na Na
[Michael] I Said Na Na Na Na Na
[P.Y.T.'S] Na Na Na Na Na
[Michael] I'll Take You There

I Want To Love You
(P.Y.T.)Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin'
(T.L.C.)Tender Lovin' Care
And I'll Take You There
I Want To Love You
(P.Y.T.)Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin'
(T.L.C.)Tender Lovin' Care
I'll Take You There

Freakin Monday

2009-06-29T22:01:00.003-04:00

There was chaos over the weekend and I removed my house key from my key chain to take the kids to the pool. We just walked over to the pool in our apartment complex so there was no need for the whole kit and caboodle. Well apparently I forgot to put the key back so when DD, Mack and I got home tonight we were locked out. Us, my work bag, purse, 2 bags from Target, Mack's bottle bag and DD's lunch box. Lovely.

DH is working late (still not home) so I called my Dad to let us in. He was "around the corner - ish." While we were waiting outside and I was praying for the rain clouds to keep their rain to themselves I realized I wasn't cooking chicken for dinner. Thank goodness for cell phones. Pizza was on its way, though the chicken was a cook it tonight or toss it type thing so I had to bake it anyway.

During dinner DD asks what "harm" means. I told her it meant "to hurt" and she said, "NO." So I asked her to use it in a sentence. This was her sentence, "When Mommy and I play she likes to harm me." I said, "WHAT? No I don't. DD, harm means to hurt." So I had to ask where she heard the word "harm" before she repeated her sentence at summer camp tomorrow when she went seeking another definition. She heard it on Noggin and started to sing the song. Apparently "harmony" sounds a lot like "harm" or "harm me." Phew!

Now I'm going to drum up some Lactaid and Coldstone ice cream before I head off to bed and pray Tuesday is less eventful.

Dance Party Friday

2009-06-26T10:32:00.003-04:00

I don't want to get into the "fandemonium" of the recent celebrity deaths. I'm not all that in to celebrity anyway. However, the loss of Michael Jackson to the world of choreography is worth noting. The way he moved was simply something to admire. And though I never owned a red leather jacket or "the glove" I did have some shiny silvery socks in my youth as my homage to Michael. I'm pretty sure we owned a pink pleather purse with a long string that said "I heart Michael Jackson" at some point in the '80s as well.

So in tribute to one of the worlds most innovative and fabulous choreographers I share some of my favorite videos...

Bad - It's a dark video but you can catch a gleam of its awesomeness!

Jam - It's got some very '90's elements but the dancing is timeless

The Way You Make Me Feel - even a gang of unruly street toughs succumb his rhythm (7:52) and, by the way, if my hips were ever as small as the woman in the video I'd wear a black dress and shake it too! (One final note...this song is the reason my sisters and I refer to shoes as "high heedles.")

Dangerous - Come on, this is just fantastic. I can't understand why this wouldn't drive you to kick your desk chair out of the way and jump in with the group. It's really more "musical" than music video.

And any reference to Michael and his choreography would be seemingly incomplete if I left out the tried and true Beat It or Thriller pieces.

So, Michael, as you leave this world, thank you for leaving in your place a legacy of greatness in choreography that will be difficult if not impossible to duplicate but works which will live in the hearts of dance lovers everywhere.

ABC's of Me Meme

2009-06-24T10:05:00.000-04:00

I am tagging myself for Emily's ABC's of YOU meme which she cleaned up from Facebook.

A - An advantage that you have: I have a very open relationship with my family so I have the freedom to say exactly how I feel and vice versa. I never understand the questions in Parents Magazine when they say, "My Dad watches my child all day and refuses to put sunscreen on him. How can I remind him how important this is without making him angry?" WHAT? Tell him to put on the damn sunscreen. So that's the kind of relationship I have.

B - Blue or brown eyes: I have brown eyes and I love blue eyes. My Mom loved the Crystal Gayle song "Don't You Make My Brown Eyes Blue" but I still would love to have blue eyes. DH has blue eyes and so far so does Mack!

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the bathroom hands down.

D - Dad's name: Tom unless you are his 85 year old aunt, then it's Tommy.

E - Essential start of your day: It's the same routine nearly every day but even on the weekend my morning has to start with coffee. Oh how I wish the answer were yoga or pilates but it's not.

F - Favorite color: red

G - Greatest thing you've ever done that made you feel really good: Giving birth.

H - Habit you have: I'm a complete and total procrastinator. In fact I am procrastinating right now by blogging!

I - Issue you hate that the world tries to make you pursue: The world huh? I just don't have a worldly answer for that right now.

J - Job title: Director of Major Gifts & Planned Giving (but give it time...it will probably change again) I am also Director of Random Events No One Else Wants to Run.

K - Khols or Target: Target but that's easy because it has everything that Walmart has but it's not Walmart.

L - Living arrangements: DH, DD and Mack and I live in a 2nd floor 3 bedroom apartment with about 1,100 square feet. I'm ready for a house and a garage.

M - Music you like: I like just about everything but I have been stuck on my Fiona Apple Pandora station for a few months now.

N - Nicknames: Sara's a tough name to shorten but I have been called Ra (I was a cheerleader at the time and I have a sun tattoo so it makes sense) Sarah of course and I get Sare or Sares.

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: My birth or the birth of my children?

P - Pet Peeve: Purses on my counter or kitchen table. Yech.

Q - Quote that you like most: "To get to the rainbow you must go through the rain." That's a long story but a quote I heard nearly 20 years ago that has a lot of meaning for me. I also found a new one recently that I adore by Dante Alighieri "The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality."

R - Right or left handed: righty but DH is a lefty and I have discovered that I do some lefty things.

S - Siblings: Katie & Rebecca and both are younger.

T - Time you wake up: BC (before children) probably around 9 a.m. - I am not a morning person. Now I'm usually up around 5 to feed Mack and then up for good between 6 and 7 every day.

U - Underwear: I'm not sure what to do here except assume that the original author struggled with a "U" word. It might as well say "unicorn."

V - Vegetable you dislike: Greens and broccoli rabe. It's unfortunate because it would be cool to like them but they're way too bitter.

W - What makes you run late: everything

X-rays you've had: I can't even remember all of the x-rays I've had though, oddly enough, I've never broken any bones.

Y - Yummy food you make: I can bake just about anything.

Z- Zoo Animal- I'm sort of anti-zoo but I do enjoy the "big cats" and monkeys/gorillas.

Disasterous Tuesday

2009-06-23T09:57:00.002-04:00

Today started with Panic In The Shower! A spider with long thin spindly legs was walking on the far wall of my shower this morning. I loathe outdoor bugs indoors. If the spider is outside - good for him - that's where he belongs...same for ants, worms, flies, mosquitoes, bees, squirrels and mice. And really the idea of being naked near an outdoor pest/animal instills a fear I'm not proud of. So I worked up quite a sweat trying to wash the little guy down the drain whilst keeping a distance of 3+ feet.

Then DD thought it would be hysterical if Mack rummaged through my makeup. Ultimately he tossed my blush brush in the toilet right after DD used it so I had to fish the blush brush out of pee water. I managed that with laser like execution and I didn't touch the water or the brush (go me.)

Then I get in the car and realize that my eyebrows are screaming "PLUCK ME NOW OR FACE DIRE CONSEQUENCES." To say that things have gotten out of control would be an understatement. Now my goal is to see if I can get in for a wax before I get kids from daycare, get kids, make dinner and clean up the giant mess two tiny people created within a 45 minute time span this morning. And if I can get in to see two houses for sale that would be great too. I guess I'll tell DD we can go swimming tomorrow.

Lewis & Clark

2009-06-22T21:27:00.003-04:00

At 11 1/2 months I am convinced that Mack is a descendant of an explorer. He has taken to toilet paper - he loves to unroll it, tear it, drag it around the house as far as it can go. You name it and he'll do it with the toilet paper. He actually ate a little earlier tonight.

Now none of my bathrooms have toilet paper rolls - just empty metal pieces poking out of the wall. The paper and rolls have been relocated to the bathroom counters...unless we have company. Then, when we forget to take the rolls back off Mr. Columbus comes along and tears off a few hundred sheets. The most annoying part is the TP trail he leaves as he runs around the house.

Do you remember the game in math where you keep cutting the number in 1/2...20 becomes 10 becomes 5 becomes 2.5 becomes 1.25 becomes .75 (ok, that's where my math ends) Anyway, you get the point. This is what happens with the toilet paper. Mack tears the stuff to shreds and each shred into a shred and so on forever and I have a tiny trail from where the explorer has been. It could be a breadcrumb trail so he is sure to remember where the bathroom is so he can return to repeat the conquest.

I'm not sure what the point is I'm just glad I don't get expensive toilet paper! And to cap off this evening DD called me Cactus Momma because I haven't shaved in 24 hours and my legs look like a cactus. Oh, self esteem through the roof tonight.

3 Things About Me Meme

2009-06-19T14:59:00.003-04:00

Three names I go by:
1. Sara/h
2. Mom/Momma/Mommy (that's DD)
3. ugh (that's Mack)

Three jobs I've had in my life:
1. waitress/buffet girl/prep cook/cashier
2. fundraiser
3. event planner

Three places I've lived:
1. Williamsville,NY
2. Stamford, CT
3. White Plains, NY

Three TV shows I watch (when I get to sit down):
1. House
2. The Office
3. Anything on HGTV

Three places I've been:
1. Cape Cod
2. Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
3. Paris

Three people who e-mail me regularly:
1. Kara
2. Sephora
3. Carters

Three of my favorite foods:
1. mashed potatoes
2. cake
3. most breakfast foods

Three things I'm looking forward to:
1. pre-k graduation
2. taking the kids swimming this summer
3. vacation in Connecticut

Three things I'm wearing today:
1. magnetic bracelet/necklace (depending how you wear it)
2. Crocs (because I wore awesome heels yesterday that killed my feet)
3. ponytail (yesterday was rough so today I look rough!)

Three things on my To Do list:
1. type letter to local foundation
2. buy Mack new shoes at www.pediped.com
3. do tons of work for a golf tournament

Gillette Guilt

2009-06-15T16:48:00.002-04:00

Well, there is really no good excuse for my absence from the blogosphere. To be honest, I really missed it so I am going to toss up a quick post before I run off to pick up the kiddies and hopefully hit the pool and make dinner all before bedtime (on one foot and in ice skates perhaps!)

So I am having profound guilt for buying a Gillette razor and loving it. I have been a faithful Schick user for years (well over a decade) but recently it looks as though I've been shaving with a machete. My legs are beat up and cut up and a real mess. I knew I had to take action and that meant a new razor. I hate being charged unreasonable prices for necessities. (Ordinarily I'd start ranting about the cost of pads and tampons here but I don't have time...)

Here's the back story...When I was in high school there was some sort of information fair in our local mall. PETA had a booth and there were all sorts of unsavory brochures. There was a brochure with information about animal slaughter and I felt bad for the cows so that started my 10 year long abstinence from red meat (which came crumbling down after my husband and I dated for 6 months!) I don't know why I didn't feel as bad for the chickens but I didn't stop eating that. I have not eaten veal though so there's my small contribution.

They also had information about companies that perform tests on animals. Not just testing how a cancer drug is working but how sharp can the razor be before you take your leg off...oh, I don't know but we can try it on a bunny to see. The tests were pretty brutal so I decided that I would avoid Gillette products - no White Rain shampoo, no razors, no shaving cream, etc. and I've been a successful "boycotter"...until last week.

My legs are smooth and they don't look like I ran into a razor in the dark but I'm feeling rotten about the indulgence. I looked around on the PETA site and it seems like Gillette has gotten a little less violent and brutal with their testing procedures but I may still give myself an ulcer over this. A girlfriend mentioned a Schick Intuition razor. I used those when I was pregnant and couldn't see enough of my legs to put on shaving cream. (pregnant + shaving = shaving blindfolded) The Intuition isn't cheap either though. Ladies...I'm looking for some alternatives and I'm open to almost anything other than "au natural."

Hot Roots

2009-05-29T14:31:00.003-04:00

I tried a new hairdresser not long ago because the place is closer to my house. The spa/hair salon is fairly upscale and all of the hairdressers were as hairdressers are - trendy, wearing make up and had nice hair. Much to my dismay she gave me a bouffant hair do and she was as rough as they come. My head is fairly hearty and I can take a beating but she yanked and pulled and scrubbed and pinned and I was lucky I had any hair left when I walked out. Needless to say, I won't be going back.

In addition to her hair torture, much to my dismay, my roots are already fading so I needed a root job. I don't have time to sit for 2 hours to get my hair did so I asked DH to pick up, my all time favorite, Clairol Root Touch Up. (For two reasons, first we needed to go to the store and I offered but he wanted to get out of the house so I told him he could go but he had to buy hair dye. Reason two was that I wanted to torture him a little for leaving the house.)

The best thing about Root Touch Up is that you don't have to match the hair color EXACTLY - if your hair is black you get black or black-ish, if your hair is blonde there are only a few choices and if you're brown there are maybe 3 colors that I have seen so you can't really mess it up. I told DH to buy the color that looks like my hair - he couldn't really mess it up.

He came home with a dark brown bordering on black, which is not my hair color. He pretended to be exasperated by the chore so I couldn't tell him he was wrong since I said he couldn't mess it up. And if I complained he'd ask me why I forced him to pick it out and I didn't feel like going there. So I figured, how bad can it be? Bad!

I dyed my roots last night and I have a nice black fade into brown hair with blonde-ish highlights. It's fairly obvious that something has gone awry on my head. Now I need to make an appointment with MY hairdresser so she can set the world right again.

Towels

2009-05-21T16:08:00.002-04:00

When you watch a commercial for Bounce or Tide or Gain you expect that you will open your linen closet and get knocked back by the freshness. These advertisements sell you on the fantasy of great smelling, neatly folded, billowing, fluffy laundry. (Of course the reality is that if you dry your towels on a clothes line you might as well dry yourself off with sandpaper and all of your laundry will make a crunching noise when you attempt folding. Though the idea of billowing fresh laundry is alluring.)

Truth be told I use free & clear laundry detergent because of the sensitive bodies in my household. However, I love the idea of advertisement style laundry. To indulge the consumer in me I do buy the smelly blue stuff to wash towels and sheets. I still fantasize about stepping out of the shower into lilac freshness and yet every time I am let down. I have tried brand after brand. I have recently discovered Gain and I must say, I love it and know why they have a website dedicated to loving it. I thought that if I bought Gain laundry detergent and Gain dryer sheets maybe, just maybe I would reach laundry perfection. NOPE.

At this point I would be ready to say that the advertisements are selling me a myth that feeds on my inner Donna Reed. However, my sister's laundry would knock you off your feet. It's always soft, smells like stuff (good stuff) and it doesn't matter how long it's been in the closet. I just can't replicate her magic. Can anyone else?

Hospital

2009-05-20T17:26:00.001-04:00

Out of the mouths of babes come sweet, funny and innocent commentary right? So how do you avoid busting out in laughter when your 5 year old says, "Daddy, what's a fuckin' hospital?"

Let me backtrack. Mack is sick and has been sick since last Wednesday. DH and I have slept very little in the last 6 days and Mack's feet have barely hit the floor. He needs/wants to be held every second of the day. It's hard not to comply when your baby is ill.

On Sunday things went from bad to worse. My mother-in-law was in town to see DD's dance recital, which was on Saturday. So DH is pacing around the house with our very irritable son when he announces that we're probably going to have to go to the fuckin' hospital now. Then, a tiny voice announces, from the other side of the room..."Daddy, what's a fuckin' hospital?"

Thankfully my mother-in-law stepped in straight faced (actually some people would probably not find that funny but DH and I are foul mouthed and soooooooooooo restrained around our children - usually)and explained that Daddy was just exasperated and he said a bad word. Then, thankfully, the next question was just what you would expect, "Grandma, what's exasperated mean?" So we were done with fuckin' though I'm sure we haven't heard the last of it.

Shredded Cheese

2009-05-19T19:41:00.000-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with shredded cheese.

Love
- I love nachos
- I love eggs and cheese
- I love taco dip

Hate
- I hate that I am lactose intollerant
- I hate when other people in my house melt cheese on a plate and then toss the plate in the dishwasher as if the dishwasher had finger nails and was prepared to scrape off melted cheese during the wash cycle. (I'm not bitter at all!)
- I hate scraping off melted cheese that has been washed and dried in the dishwasher only to have to put the plate back in the dishwasher for another cleaning.

Ah cheese. So tasty, such a pain in the ass to clean.

Mrs. Mo Co

2009-05-18T22:18:00.002-04:00

My sister got engaged yesterday! I am estatic because we've been waiting, collectively, for about 4 years. (They've been together for 5.) So, for the first time since I got married 7 1/2 years ago I'm excited to be looking at wedding magazines and websites again.

And, as the big sister, and an event planner by trade, I'm going to be butting in a lot. Thankfully she is prepared for her bossy, overbearing, opinionated sister to partake in the planning. Yea, I love weddings. If you see anything cool online, shift it my way!!

I Have An Accent, Eh

2009-05-08T11:18:00.001-04:00

I am working at our suburban campus this morning, which has a LARGE contingent of Canadian students. As I congratulate them on their upcoming graduation and talk to them about future plans I slowly find myself acclimating to "Canadian speak." This happens to me whenever I talk to someone with an accent different than mine. My Long Island born girlfriend always seems to have some sort of impact on my accent when I am talking to her (and I love it.) [Although convincing her that things are kitty-corner and not katty-corner is nearly impossible.]

I have always wanted an accent - though when I travel outside Buffalo I find out I do have a semi-midwestern accent. But I want a cool accent - a little Brooklyn would be cool, maybe British, some Southern accents are more appealing to me than others but all in all I would love a cool accent. There's a touch of sing songyness (that's a word) to a Canadian accent. So until I head back to my urban workplace I will enjoy my short lived verbal visit north!

Avocados

2009-05-04T22:29:00.002-04:00

I don't usually buy the same shaving cream twice. I'm not sure why really. Maybe I think just once I'll smell like peaches and cream after I use the scented stuff. This last trip to the store I took home Alluring Avocado. I thought, "Ooh, this will be good. Nourishing. Smooth legs. No razor bumps." Ok, maybe I'm over thinking the whole shaving cream thing. But, everyday Alluring Avocado just stared me in the face.

Finally I realized why I was obsessing about the avocados....they're not alluring! I'm out of the Alluring Avocado finally. Now I'm on to Dry Skin...which seems to be the opposite of my goal. Either I don't have enough to do or I have so much to do that I'm just annoyed with everything.

Tuesday's Thoughts

2009-04-28T23:23:00.002-04:00

Things that crossed my mind today...

1. If you work on a college campus you should own several umbrellas and keep them in several hiding spots.

2. On the days when it rains I inevitably have a ton of meetings that require me to cross the campus.

3. Girls with naturally curly hair should remember not to straighten their hair on rainy days. Why fight with nature? Nature always wins.

4. I love Frederik Fekkai glossing cream. I am sad that I ran out of it. I need to buy more as soon as humanly possible.

5. I have enough work on my plate that if no one gave me a new project it would still take me over a week to finish the work I have.

6. I had a bad hair day today and, by the end of the day I was having an awful make up day.

7. I could use a deep tissue massage, a week off from work, a vacation away from home with no one other than my kids and husband, a night of completely uninterrupted sleep and a nanny.

8. I would also like to be selected for What Not To Wear because I could use a new wardrobe (not at my expense) and some new make up tricks.

9. I miss blogging and facebooking and checking email. But I am thankful I have a job (and that I don't have swine flu.)

10. Ugh!

Now I am going to shut down my computer and spend a few minutes with Stephen Colbert. Bonne Nuit.

Costume Day

2009-04-20T10:19:00.003-04:00

Ah well, today is costume day at daycare. This is the Week of the Small Child (or something) so it's a themed week. They post this information on the doors of the classrooms but they do not mail home a schedule. So from last Friday, I should have remembered that today was costume day. Alas, I forgot.

We walked in this morning to see Shrek, a princess, a hockey player and various other children whose parents remember to dress them in costume. Think fast. What to do before DD becomes hysterical that she will be the only child sans costume. We did discuss bringing in butterfly wings (which would have been easy because we own 3 pair.) She has on a black shirt with a giant glittery smiley face and small smileys surrounding it. She also took the liberty of carrying curling ribbon out of the house with her this morning.

I took the curling ribbon from her and taped it to her t-shirt below the giant smiley and I told her she was a balloon. So today, amongst Shrek and ballerinas is DD Balloon. She bought it and thought it was pretty fun so I escaped being a completely bad Mommy! Mack, on the other hand, went as a baby too big for his costume. And thankfully none of those parents bought new costumes for their kids. Blessedly Mack didn't know the difference.

Ex

2009-04-14T08:41:00.005-04:00

I mentioned in a previous post about an ex-boyfriend (X) who defecated on the floor and as I was searching through the Natalie Dee archives (as I often do for a good laugh) I found this comic and decided today was the day to divulge one of the many, many, many, many (etc.) reasons why my college boyfriend didn't become my husband.

nataliedee.com

So waaaaay back when I had decided that X was kind of an idiot and I was ready to be done with the relationship. I let things go on waaaaay too long and after a stint at ESPN his lazy ass lost his job. (Not "bad economy" lost his job, but lazy "I can't get my ass out of bed to be at work by 6 PM" lost his job.) So he took a job at an electric company doing fire watch for 12 hours at a time. His job was to literally watch to make sure things didn't burst into flames. (At least that was my understanding.)

On fire watch you sit in a room for hours on end and then switch rooms. Somewhere in there there is a break. It just so happened that while on fire watch he felt the need to "go" and he couldn't find a replacement to come and take his place. And, apparently, he couldn't wait. So, instead of risking a fire in his absence he made the only decision one could possibly make and he pooped on the floor. (I don't believe I have yet mentioned that his childhood best friend's dad is a higher up at the electric company and got him the job there - worth noting I think.)

Now, the electric company, being wary of its investment, has taken care to provide video cameras in the rooms where fires would start. (I think you can see where this is going.) And aside from the cameras, after your shift everyone stands up and marches on to the next room. (So you know who was there before you and you have to sit in that new room and watch for potential explosions - pardon the pun.) X, lucky bastard, was at the end of his shift so he shit and went home.

His parents, of course, replied with a, "well, what else could you do." And I replied with a, "You did WHAT?" Within 24 hours he decided he wanted his job so he called in and he was "let go" but I don't really believe anyone is surprised. This, for me, was sort of the tip of an iceberg that had been growing for way too long and I quickly ended the relationship. And while I could be truly mortified that I dated this guy (for waaaaay too long) I do so relish telling this story because I continue to find it unfathomable and quite funny.

But how could NatalieDee know? She couldn't possibly imagine but how perfect is that comic? Enjoy!

Easter Grass

2009-04-13T16:43:00.003-04:00

While Easter is a day to celebrate The Lord I do believe the devil made an appearance at our house yesterday. He appeared in the form of Easter grass.

DD searched for eggs and baskets and when all was amassed we set the whole kit and kaboodle on the floor for pictures of the kids and Easter mess. We got some great shots. It's Mack's first Easter and he was enthralled by the giant basket and proceeded to dump it over. DD found this to be hysterical and dumped hers. I gently reminded her that she was five and that she should upright her basket quickly.

Not much later she started uprooting grass from the baskets and made pilgrimages to her bedroom. When I finally saw what was going on there was a grass trail from the living room into her room. She was making a nest, a la The Best Nest by P. D. Eastman. Wanna know what's messy and a pain in the ass to rake up with your fingers???? EASTER GRASS.

So, as most people relished the day, I toiled on the floor picking up grass strand by strand. (DD pitched in, trust me, but sometimes "helpers" are really more of a hindrance.) Needless to say I have decided that Easter grass was invented by a man (who is quite possibly the devil) who would never, in his life, think about what it would be like to be belly to the ground scraping up nearly invisible pieces of 99 cent per bag grass because he probably never would! Other than the grass we had a great day!

Happy Birthday Mom

2009-04-08T09:42:00.002-04:00

Today is my mother's birthday. She was a fun, quirky woman with a great sense of humor. And though today is not Tuesday, thus ripe for Tuesday's Tunes, today I will pay tribute to her with the lyrics to one of my most favorite funny "songs." I know she would have found this fun and you will too if you don't know it already.

The Sweater
by Meryn Cadell

Girls,
I know you will understand this
and feel the intrinsic incredible emotion
You have just pulled over your head the worn,
warm sweater belonging to a boy
Now, you haven't had a passionate kissing session or anything,
but you got to go on a camping trip with him
and eight other people from school
And you practically slept together,
your sleeping bag right next to his
And you woke in the night to watch him as he slept
but you couldn't see anything 'cause it was dark
so you just laid there and listened to his breathing
and wondered if your heart might burst
The sweater has that faintly goat-like smell
which all teenage boys possess,
and that smell will lovingly transfer
to all your other clothes
If you get to keep it for a few days you can sleep with it
but don't let your mom see, 'cause she'll say,
"what is that filthy thing, and who does it belong to
besides the trash man?"
So you have to keep it under the covers with you
You can kind of lie it beside you,
or wrap it around your waist,
or touch it on your legs, or whatever
That's your business
Now if the sweater has, like, reindeer on it
or is a funny color like yellow... I'm sorry,
you can't get away with a sweater like that
Look for brown, or grey, or blue
Anything other than that, and you know you're dealing with
someone who's different
And different is NOT what you're looking for
You're looking for those Alpine ski-chiseled features
and that sort of blank look which passes for deep thought
or at least the notion that someone's home
You're looking for the boy of your dreams
who is the same boy in the dreams of all your friends
Monday, wear the sweater
to school
Be calm, look cute
Don't tell him about the dream you had
about the place the two of you would share
when you get older
Just be yourself
The best, cutest, quietest version of yourself
Definitely wear lip gloss
He looks at you, and then he looks away
And then he walks away
and the smell of the sweater hits you again suddenly
like ape-scent gloriola
and you get a note passed to you
by a girl in History that says
"He needs that sweater back.
He forgot you put it on in the tent on Saturday
and he's been looking for it."
And you don't have to die of humiliation, you know
You are a strong person
and this is a learning experience
You can still hold your head up high as you run from the classroom
tearing the stinking sweater from your body
You've got a secret now, honey,
and though you'd never sink as low as him,
you could blab it all over the school if you wanted
The label in that sweater
said "100% Acrylic"

Dear Similac

2009-04-07T11:03:00.002-04:00

Dear Similac,
Thank you so much for spending time, talent and resources to develop a "SimplePac" container for my infant formula. I can appreciate the work that went into redesigning your container so I could get out every last scoop of formula. However, even with your best intentions there are some serious design flaws.

First, getting the foil wrapper off takes the strength of 10 men and the patience of Mother Teresa. (I lack both.) Second, you don't really get all of the powder out with the new design. And, if you're die-hard thrifty about your $27 per container formula (as I am) you work through hell and high water to get out every granule anyway.

Finally Similac, and this one is a biggie, you created a lid with a special place to snap the scooper back in place. How awesome is that? Well, it's very awesome if you and your DH agree that the scooper should be snapped back in its holder each time you scoop out formula. If you and your DH don't agree then it just turns into a new daily annoyance.

And, at the end of the day, I don't even understand the advertising campaign with Ty Pennington. Does he have kids? Does he get the convenience of your redesign? Or does he just redesign houses and "moms think he's cute" so he's a good spokesman?

I'm not buying Similac because of Ty Pennington or because of the carton redesign. It's the only formula my child will drink at this point. And trust me when I say that a gallon of organic whole milk will be well worth the $3.50 or whatever it is because a week of formula at $27 is a whole lot harder to swallow. So when I move on to milk please don't try to modify my milk carton or DH and I will have more non-issues to have issues about.
Thanks so much,
Sara

Crazy

2009-04-01T22:16:00.003-04:00

Did you ever have a day when you thought everyone around you was crazy? That was certainly today. And as I sit here tonight and reflect on everyone's craziness I am wondering...is it possible that everyone is crazy or is it really just me?

Of course, living in the City of Neverwrong located in The Land of Perfect I opt to believe everyone has a diabolical plan to make me nuts. Maybe I'm just all torked up and everyone else is normal. I really don't think so but I'm not sure how to do the right kind of analysis that will tell me the answer.

Why You Can't Wear Nice Clothes When You Have Children

2009-03-31T15:32:00.002-04:00

Reason #56
If you do not change in to "after work clothes" before you feed an 8 month old baby your purple sweater dress will end up polka dotted with sweet potatoes.

My Morning So Far

2009-03-25T09:06:00.002-04:00

Mack is working on getting in some new teeth on top so he doesn't look like the anti-vampire anymore. So he's up and down all night yelling, pissing and moaning from eeking in new teeth. Needless to say DH and I have had restless nights for the last two weeks between illness and new teeth. This morning upon awaking Mack decided he was STARVING. He wanted to drink an ounce, suck on his pacifier for a few minutes, drink another ounce, suck on his pacifier a little...there isn't really time for playing games in the morning so we took a break and got dressed.

Getting dressed is a whole new challenge since he discovered that he can, in fact, roll over. Most babies roll over some time around 3 months. Not Mack. He waited until he was 7 months old and just laid like fuzz on a carpet every time you laid him down previously. Now that he has realized the world of rolling over my fuzz on the carpet is long gone. Now it's like changing a fish out of water so it's never a speedy venture. With him dressed I could finally get in the shower. There was a one degree turn of the shower knob that took the water from boiling hot to way too cold. So I spent 15 minutes doing the shower knob dance trying to get in the middle of that one degree so I could have a normal, non-frustrating shower.

Yesterday I got an email from DH titled "Guess what fell off the car on the thruway this morning?" My reply was "the muffler" and I was right. We took the car in two months ago to have our muffler replaced and when the new one was put on the mechanic failed to tighten something (or failed to put in a screw at all) so the new muffler made a horrible rumbling sound. They told us to bring the car back in (no easy feat) and they would fix it. Well, now there's no more waiting since the muffler is on the thruway. DH and I carpooled to work this morning and our only saving grace was that we both like coffee and NPR so it was a nice ride in.

Today I have only one meeting so I can actually get some work done but I'm blogging instead. Really, I'd like a nap or to hit the mall to get DD a birthday gift but I get to have my windshield replaced instead. A few weeks ago a rock came rocketing at the car with the functioning muffler and I have a bulls eye crack in the windshield! DH and I are one oil change away from being able to get "take care of cars" off our To Do list.

Tuesday's Tunes

2009-03-24T16:15:00.002-04:00

The first time I heard this song I loved it. It's a children's song but for the last few weeks I haven't been able to get this out of my head...

The Coffee Song
by Ralph's World

M-O-M-M-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E
D-A-D-D-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E
I love my kid... I love my kid
Gosh, I need love my kid
But I need what I need,
and I need a lot of what I need
and that's C-O-F-F-E-E
M-O-M-M-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E
D-A-D-D-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E
I want a latte, a cappuccino
And tonight I think I’ll have a little vino
M-O-M-M-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E
D-A-D-D-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E
M-O-M-M-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E
D-A-D-D-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E

Math Challenged

2009-03-19T11:00:00.000-04:00

When I confess to being math challenged I am not stretching the truth one bit. I am working on 2009-10 budgets with a co-worker and, on paper, I subtracted $4,700 FROM $2,000 and I actually got $1,300. Somewhere along the way I think the public schools failed me. This is what I wrote...

$2,000
$4,700 -
_______
$1,300

It's sad really! I should not perform written math.

It's Spring-y

2009-03-18T10:23:00.003-04:00

I think I have mentioned before that I work on a college campus. The weather has been remarkably non-winter-y as of recent. I was walking across campus and waved to an administrator. She yelled across campus and said, "toes and no hose." Of course, when you say that out loud it's possible to hear, "toes and no ho's." So I had to yell, "WHAT?"

Apparently it's some sort of "in the know" type saying for wearing open-toe shoes and no nylons/stockings/tights. Aaah, yes. It's spring - toes and no hose!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T09:11:00.001-04:00

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Minutes

2009-03-16T21:13:00.002-04:00

So I was sitting in a meeting, thankful I didn't have to be the "minute taker" but I was supposed to be taking notes. Part way in to the "lecture/meeting" I realized I was off on a far reaching space in my mind and when I re-focused myself I had no idea what was going on. I realized that this is why I am horrible at taking minutes for meetings.

I work with a few boards and it seems like the secretary is always absent at these meetings. Personally I don't know why you'd sign up to be secretary in the first place but people do and I expect them to attend meetings so I don't become the default minute taker. Nevertheless minute taking seems to fall to me. In my "I don't have to take the minutes" meeting I was thinking about shoes. I own too many black shoes, I could really use more color. I have red, and a bright pink, and of course, brown but...oh wait - the president is talking...

Back to a discussion on human capital and marketing campaigns and the cost for research and then materials that fit our new brand campaign and then, oh man, I have to call LeMetro about Mack's christening. I wonder if they'll still have space available. If his christening is at 1 p.m. that's a funky time to eat but what choice do I have. I wonder if Sonoma Grill would have space.

So if you'll all look at item #4, let's talk about that for a minute. Crap...I was off in neverland again. I can't be in meetings with more than 4 people or I can easily start to drift. Unless I'm leading the meeting but then I certainly can't write the minutes. Then my notes reflect all of the things I meant to say when really I probably went off on some crazy tangent.

Polygamy

2009-03-15T21:21:00.002-04:00

For some bizarre reason I had a dream last night that I was one of a few dozen wives of some man. I never saw who the "husband" was but I knew he was mean and that he put restrictions on what the wives could do. Most of what I remembered this morning was that I was pissed off that I couldn't do what I wanted. I was in a room full of women and I kept thinking, "Why am I involved in this?" Then all of the wives were practicing a dance, like you would for a recital, and I didn't know the moves and that ticked me off too.

I'm trying to remember what I ate before bed last night!

The Listmaker

2009-03-11T23:22:00.003-04:00

I am an obsessive listmaker. I even make lists that include things I have already done so I can feel some sense of accomplishment and unclutter my mind. Since I am just wrapping up work for today I could think of nothing more appropriate than to share one of my favorite poems.

The Listmaker
by Marge Piercy

I am a compiler of lists;
1 bagfine cracked corn, 1 sunflower seeds.

Thin tomato seedlings in hotbed;
check dahlias for sprouting.

Write Kathy. Call Lou. Pay oil bill.
Decide about Montana.

I find withered lists in pockets of raincoats,
reminders to buy birthday presents

for lovers who wear those warm
sweaters now in other lives.

And what did I decide about Montana?
To believe or disbelieve in its existence?

To rise at five some morning and fly there?
A buried assent or denial rots beneath.

I confess too that sometimes when I am listing
what I must do on a Monday,

I will put on tasks already completed for the neat
pleasure of striking them out, checking them off.

What do these lists mean? That I mistrust my memory,
that my attention, a huge hungry crow

settling to carrion even on the highway
hates to rise and flap off, wants to continue

feasting on what it has let down upon
folding the tent of its broad dusty wings.

That I like to conquer chaos one square
at a time like a board game.

That I fear the sins of omission more
than commission. That the whining saw

of the mill of time shrieks always in my ears
as I am borne with all the other logs

forward to be dismantled and rebuilt
into chairs, into frogs, into running water.

All lists start where they halt, in intention.
Only the love that is work completes them.

Monster Spray

2009-03-09T12:08:00.000-04:00

DD has been obsessed with monsters lately. In my research on childhood fears there are some suggestions to go along with this one as opposed to the old "monsters aren't real" routine. In my effort to quell DD's fears I told her that I had Monster Spray which would keep the monsters away. Eventually she figured out that I was using spray sunscreen and asked why that worked. (I would face the trigger toward my hand and spray her closet.) I told her the monsters hated sunscreen as much as she did. I decided I had to take a new action in monster removal.

I googled "monster spray" and dammit someone actually created monster spray which you can purchase for $10. In reading the website about what she used to make the monster spray I figured I'd make my own. So I told DD there was a secret recipe on the Internet for monster spray and we could make some for ourselves. I told a great story and she loved the idea.

Then I got to the grocery store, found a small spray bottle and searched my brain to figure out what to put in it. Initially I thought I'd put in some essential oil (maybe lavender) and some water. Then I got to the cleaning aisle and found lavender vanilla scented Febreze - BINGO. I tossed the Febreze in the cart, filled my spray bottle at home and wrote "Monster Spray" on the side. So every night I ask DD where the monsters hide and we spray her room. DH thinks I'm nuts. And only once did she wake up in the middle of the night crying that we forgot to spray her room but other than that it's working like a charm and I didn't have to pay shipping!

Baby Barbershop

2009-03-08T11:52:00.006-04:00

Mack is now 8 months old and his hair is getting long. Not girl long but boy long. It's hanging over his ears and I told DH that he looked like Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons. He thought that was an awful comparison but it's true.

I want to trim the long pieces around Mack's ears but when I brought the scissors near the wiggly baby's head I decided that was going to be a huge mistake for several reasons I am sure you can imagine. I keep looking at my shaggy boy and I'm trying to decide if it's too early to get his hair cut by a professional. It seems ridiculous really, an 8 month old sitting for a hair cut, but he looks unkempt and I'm getting that "bad, neglectful Mommy feeling" that you get when your kids are boogery, have unbrushed hair or are wearing shoes that totally don't match their outfit. (There are some fights not worth fighting but it still doesn't sit well with me when my children look like vagabonds.)

Back to Mack and his bad hair...how young is "too young" to get a baby's hair cut? When DD was a baby I was just praying for it to grow so she would stop looking like generic unisex baby dressed in pink or blue or yellow or whatever I felt like dressing her in. Yesterday as I was re-examining my obsession with Mack's messy hair DH jumps in and announces that he looks like Scott Baio.

And I guess friend that this is the problem. Scott Baio was pretty hot in, say 1985, and maybe '80's babies with Scott Baio hair looked pretty awesome. Twenty years later, I have to disagree with how "awesome" that looks. (We won't even get into the high-wasted jeans discussion.) But my Scott Baio baby needs some grooming. Any suggestions?

Pseudonyms

2009-03-02T17:10:00.002-05:00

Again, I have stolen from Facebook but it's too fun not to make this a meme and see what the rest of you bloggers come up with!

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Sara

2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and father's middle names) Jane Carl

3. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, father's dad) Gordon Carl

4. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Mobflusa (two last names - hence all the letters!)

5. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Red Cat

6. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born) Beth Amherst

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning) The Black Martini

8. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Samofl or Safl but that's still not that funny - Samo works though!

9. STREET NAME: (fav ice cream 1st and fav cookie 2nd) Coffee Lovers Delight Chocolate Chip - what a fantastic place to live!

10. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pets name, current street name) None Arielle

11. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle) Sarizzle

12. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets) Black Marble

13. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav. perfume/cologne, fav. candy) Music Skor

14. PORN NAME: (name of first pet, name of street you grew up on) Mittens Park Forest

Huge Ackman

2009-02-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

This is a way after the fact post but I caught a few minutes of the Oscars - just enough to realize that if you pick some crazy whacked out dress that looks like you were plucked out of a tissue box (yes you Jessica Biel who I've never even seen in a movie or on a TV show) then you must think pretty well of yourself to assume you could pull it off. It's fair to say that I don't own much more than a sedate little black dress myself. But this is not the point.

Hugh Jackman was the host and I thought that an odd choice but whatever. Who am I? My real issue here is with Mr. Jackman's parents. I obsessed for hours, no days, probably months on the names of my children. How do they sound when I yell them? "Hey DD come here!" What will their nicknames be? Do their names sound professional enough for a business card but not so stiff that they will be resigned to a life of CFO and they can't pursue their dream to become a chef, paint or teach yoga? So my issue is this...and perhaps Hugh Jackman is a stage name...but his name sounds like Huge Ackman. I can't get past it. Didn't anyone think about it? He's Huge Ackman. I don't care what he writes on paper.

This One's Mine

2009-02-25T15:00:00.001-05:00

Thankfully I was tagged by Emily for this meme so she has single-handedly saved Wednesday with a meme. Tomorrow you can hear about the Monster Spray I made for DD but today it's all about DH.

What are your middle names?
Beth and Joseph, nothing fancy!

How long have you been together?
We met in December 1997 and started dating in March 1998.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
See, that's what happens when you don't read ahead.

Who asked whom out?
DH invited me on a non-date to see Jazz Is Dead in Manhattan. It was a lot of fun but it wasn't a "date." Then we went out with his friends as friends. Then I'd had it so one night I just kissed him. Then we started dating. So there!

How old are you?
I am 33 and DH is 34 but we're only a few months apart.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Mine, for two reasons. One, he's an only child. Two, we live near my family and everyone in my family has a key to my house, and they babysit for free, and we talk twice a day. Poor DH couldn't get away even if he wanted to.

Which situation is hardest on you as a couple?
Working and not living near his family. That's not one situation but both cause great amounts of grief and stress. All of our vacations are spent traveling back and forth between families because it's important to us that DD and Mack know their grandparents even though they don't live around the corner. It's also stressful that we both work and though his job is incredibly stressful mine has some odd hours because I plan events that don't happen during traditional work hours. So there's always daycare and then some member of my family that will end up watching the kids a night or two a week.

Did you go to the same school?
We both went to state schools in different states!

Are you from the same home town?
Different towns, different states, different worlds.

Who is smarter?
I want sooooo badly to say me...

Who is the most sensitive?
This one is tough. If anyone hurts my kids' feelings I fall apart. But I'm a tough nut to crack otherwise. DH is the most sensitive to other people!

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
This is a joke kind of question to poke at people who still only get out of the house alone when they are celebrating their wedding anniversary.

Where is the furthest you have travelled together as a couple?
Our honeymoon to Cabo San Lucas was the furthest and by far the best vacation I've ever been on. I got to finish reading The Red Tent too!

Who has the craziest exes?
Neither of us has a long list of exes but hands down mine wins. There's a good " he pooped on the floor at work" story I'll have to share some time. (No, I'm not kidding. And you don't have to wonder why he is an ex!)

Who has the worst temper?
I'd claim PMS but that's just lazy. I'm a "tad" temperamental.

Who does the most cooking?
We can both fire up a mean pasta and sauce! Neither of us cook much. He'll order out before he breaks out a frying pan so I definitely cook more. But more is not a lot.

Who is the most stubborn?
Hands down, this one is mine.

Who hogs the bed most?
I think we're pretty sedate sleepers...we're so damn tired all the time. However, I do notice that I end up with a ton of blankets on my side when I wake up. Really I do not recall pulling for covers so I don't know how it happens. I want to blame DH for this but I haven't figured out how.

Who does the laundry?
This is even Steven - whoever sees the big pile first starts the laundry. DH is a mean washer folder.

Who’s better with the computer?
We're equally competent but he'll tell you that I break every computer we have.

Who drives when you are together?
DH always drives. He claims that I make him sick. And if I start yelling at other drivers he starts hmming and hawing. What's funny about this question is that I remember being asked this in the first women's studies class I took in college. The point of the exercise was something about "traditional" gender roles. I remember thinking that I was going to have to make a concerted effort to drive when DH and I were in the car together with our children so they would see that a mommy can drive too. At that point, of course, there was no DH or children just a soon to be ex boyfriend that pooped on the floor at his place of employment.

MIA

2009-02-23T21:28:00.002-05:00

I have been an absentee blogger as of late. Strange thing that happens when half of your office staff "disappears" - you get obscene amounts of work. I have been bogged down in mass amounts of OMG for the last two weeks and I'm not exactly sure that I'm out from under yet. I mean, I'm blogging at 9:30 at night and before I could find a few minutes during the day to get a blog in (at least around lunch.)

Anyway, I have a good ten blog posts that I have written in my head. You will likely never see them here because I have to write in the moment or it's just not that funny anymore. That, and I don't remember most of what I was going to say. Thankfully I was tagged for a meme so you will see that shortly. Since my last post when DH threw out the Little Debbies he tried to toss a pair of DD's pants that didn't fit and he threw out my sopapilla from a Mexican restaurant.

We took DD and Mack out to dinner because we're just a little bit crazy. It was a loud Mexican joint so...good place for kids. Mack didn't want to sit still. He has a new thing where he wants to hold your fingers and walk around. He'll barely sit anymore. He can't stand or walk on his own but that's all he wants to do and sitting at the table was not going to cut the mustard. We rushed through dinner and DH paced the restaurant with Mack so I ordered dessert to go because the dessert menu had some fantastic choices.

I ordered sopapilla and thought DD and I could share it when we got home. It was another "duh" moment for mommy. In case you ever thought about it, I can tell you now that giving a four year old a crispy crunchy flaky piece of dough covered in cinnamon sugar is a BAD idea. I could have just thrown food all over my table and floor and accomplished the same thing. So one cranky baby and one messy four year old later DH threw out the sopapilla. I didn't see it happen. I thought I'd munch on it after she went to bed. That's when I found out. Argh! DH said, "How did I know you were going to want it?" Really? Has he never met me? I'm ticked about a Little Debbie and now you deny me the sopapilla. He's in Manhattan this week. I hope he brings me a black and white cookie from Grand Central before he steps back in this house again.

Valentine Treat

2009-02-14T13:51:00.003-05:00

I made a package of Valentine's treats for each child in DD's preschool class. I made heart shaped cookies (ok, I baked cookies already in the shape of a heart) and I ruined them once I got to the icing stage. They were edible, and thus packaged, but they were no work of art. To make up for my mess I added small bags of M&M's, gummy Lifesavers, stickers and Little Debbie chocolate frosted heart-shaped cake-like goodies.

DH spotted the leftover Little Debbies on the counter. "Are these good enough that I should bother to eat one?" Of course, I'll eat anything coated in chocolate, so I'm not a great judge. "They're ok," I tell him, "but I don't know that they're worth the calories - they're not delicious or anything." That was Thursday night. First of all, how does he not know that Little Debbie snacks are sub par but edible - did he skip elementary school? Second, he didn't eat it. He has a level of self control I don't possess.

Friday was the Valentine's Day party at preschool. This morning it looks like a bomb hit our house. Between the Monday through Friday general neglect our house was additionally littered with Valentine cards and small bags of candy. Even Mack had to bring in cards to exchange. He's 7 months old!!! I was half tempted to bring each wee child a blank piece of paper for them to play with because, at this age, they would love that more than my Valentine cards. ANYWAY...I head off to dance with DD this morning and come home to a half clean house. DH showered and spruced up the kitchen and the kitchen table - a huge improvement. After I ate lunch I was looking for the crappy not so delicious but delicious enough chocolate Little Debbie cake like heart. He THREW IT OUT! I said it wasn't all that good but who throws out chocolate???

Crash

2009-02-13T16:51:00.003-05:00

So...this was an interesting morning. I woke up to the usual radio alarm set to NPR because I do not like waking up to sad songs or obnoxious radio ads if they happen to be what's on the air at 6 AM, but I digress. Anyway, I awoke out of a dead sleep to some announcement about a plane crash in Clarence. The town is technically across the street from my town - one side of the street is Clarence, the other side, me! In my half-awake state I knew that I couldn't be hearing that correctly. It reminded me of the day I woke up in college to the news that Kurt Cobain committed suicide. It was that same half-awake, can I be hearing what I'm hearing type feeling.

It just so happens that family friends live down the street from the crash site and my sister is a few more country blocks away. All are well and none were evacuated. This happens to be one of those days that re-focuses you. You remember what's important and why it's important. It's a lesson I know all too well. There can be a day when you wake up and your world makes a sudden and irrevocable shift. My heart goes out to all of those affected by the crash.

The national media likes to talk about blizzards and crappy sports teams but Buffalo also has some fabulous people. I know that today our little communities are pulling together to support families and friends and that they will continue to do so in the weeks ahead. More happy posts soon!

Tuesday's Tunes

2009-02-10T15:23:00.004-05:00

In this time of economic downturn offices are dropping staff like hot potatoes. My own office has experienced some "change" already this week and though I am fortunate to still have a job I will miss my co-workers. Since I cannot discuss anymore (due to HR issues and the future of my job) I will just say that today's song has to be...

9 to 5
by Dolly Parton

Tumble outta bed
And stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
Yawnin', stretchin', try to come to life
Jump in the shower
And the blood starts pumpin'
Out on the streets
The traffic starts jumpin'
And folks like me on the job from 9 to 5

Chorus:
Workin 9 to 5
What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by
Its all takin'
And no givin'
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
Its enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it

9 to 5, for service and devotion
You would think that I
Would deserve a fair promotion
Want to move ahead
But the boss won't seem to let me in
I swear sometimes that man is out to get me
Mmmmm...

They let your dream
Just a watch em shatter
You're just a step
On the boss mans a ladder
But you got dream he'll never take away

On the same boat
With a lot of your friends
Waitin' for the day
Your ship'll come in
And the tide's gonna turn
And it's all gonna roll you away

2nd chorus:
Workin' 9 to 5
What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by
It's all takin'
And no givin'
They just use your mind
And you never get the credit
It's enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it

9 to 5, yeah, they got you where they want you
There's a better life
And you think that I would daunt you
It's a rich mans game
No matter what they call it
And you spend your life
Going funny if you want it

3rd chorus:
Workin' 9 to 5
What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin by
It's all takin'
And no givin'
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it

Fade:
9 to 5, yeah, they got you where they want you
There's a better life
And you dream that I would daunt you
It's a rich mans game
No matter what they call it
And you spend your life
Going funny if you want it

Fruit Salad

2009-02-09T10:31:00.002-05:00

I like fruit. I like chocolate better but I like fruit. Let me be more specific...I like individual fruits. I hate fruit salad where fruit is rubbing off on other fruits making apples taste like oranges and banana coated strawberries. I'm gagging even as I type this out. A co-worker brought in something called a grapple a few months ago. It's an apple that tastes like a grape - which reminded me of fruit salad and it was not even a little bit delicious.

Last week DH bought DD a Blue's Clues book about eating healthy. It's healthy snack week in Blue's class and the teacher wants all of the students to bring in a healthy snack. Of course, as my luck would have it, Blue wants to bring a tasty, juicy, crunchy fruit salad. (I'm not even kidding when I say that my stomach is doing flips right now.) Blue, Mrs. Pepper and Mr. Salt go into explicit detail about the fruits and their deliciousness, they cut the fruit and mix it all up and Blue is way too excited to serve this to her classmates. DD loves this story and I have had to admit to her that I loath fruit salad.

The only mixed fruit combination I will partake in is a whole mixed berry salad (raspberries, blueberries, blackberries and un-cut strawberries.) These whole berries in their own skin, while bumping up against other fruit, are not sharing their fruit flavor with each other, thus making it edible! I am probably the only person who hates fruit salad this much and I feel like I am confronted with it more than most people but perhaps it's just because I'm sensitive to it. Blech.

Hot Fine Mess

2009-02-04T13:39:00.002-05:00

I was out of the office for the past two days home with Mack and DH who were sick as dogs. Today was my first day back and I don't feel so hot but I'm managing. This morning I picked out clothes and the outfit should have totally worked but the sweater was a tad short considering my pants were too big. So I pinned the pants. And out of laziness I put on white gym socks with my ankle boots figuring that my pants would come down far enough to cover them. This is certainly not the case if I have to cross my legs. On top of that my hair is making me nuts, I don't have a decent lipstick with me and every time I move I'm nervous about what's going to show - skin or sock?

Why couldn't I have been born with a natural sense of style? You know those people that always look "put together." Their look is just effortless and it confounds me. I get nervous around accessories and always wonder if I'm over accessorizing. If I'm not wearing a solid color somewhere I wouldn't know how to put an outfit together. And today for all of my effort, or lack there of, I am at work lookin like a hot fine mess.

Uncle

2009-02-03T11:05:00.002-05:00

Uncle already Facebook friends. If you tag me for things you will get a blog post. Because I like those that keep tagging me I'll keep posting...but over here!

Honor thy father by sharing his good (although often ignored) advice and repeated quotes. Feel free to add on with your own dad's advice...and pass on.

TM always said...

1. If you play around you're going to lay around (ie: you're going to get in trouble for fooling around - consider yourself "on notice")

2. What do you want to eat? (He's always, always, always trying to feed people)

3. You are my boat... (ie: I cost him so much he could have me or a boat - I'd like to think I'm a much nicer gift :)

4. If he honks in the driveway you're not going anywhere. (A guy did this with my sister once, he didn't come to the door to get her. He never came back!)

5. I'll be right back...I'm just going out to get a pack of cigarettes...

6. If you don't tell me I'm standing on your foot I won't know it hurts (ie: you have to tell people what's going on in your head)

7. Don't be so thin skinned (toughen up!)

9. I can fix that

10. What do you mean a baby can't...? (This statement is often a reflection of the enormous changes in parenting rules since the 70's)

Flubber

2009-02-02T11:43:00.003-05:00

The good thing and bad thing about daycare is that DD gets to do things I would never be brave enough to do at home...on carpet! So she got to make flubber last week. (It happened to be the day my sister, Katie, was picking her up from daycare so I could go to an event for work.) I called to check in and see how everything was going. Katie says, "Good but DD has flubber on her pants." She said it real plain and simple like it was PB & J or mud or something.

But no, it was flubber - which I guess was an experiment/project at daycare. Katie is a neatnick and a total clean freak and she said she was going to soak the pants. DH got home before she got to soak them and DH (aka Donald Trump) says, "Oh, don't bother, we'll probably just toss them." Ummm...they're a cute pair of khakis that go with everything and DD looks darn cute in them. Of course, he did nothing with them so I got a chance to soak and wash them first!

The good news is that dried flubber reconstitutes. It was a dried, pink, awful, rock-hard mess but the trip through the washing machine fluffed the flubber back to flubber consistency. The bad news is that the only way to remove a flubber splotch is to scrape it off. So I scraped and scraped and ran them through the wash again. Now you'd never know there was a flubber incident.

This is not one of those mothering things I thought I needed to know but, in the event you run into flubber, there is hope. Bookmark this post, on some days I'm as helpful as Heloise and I bet she doesn't know about flubber!

25 Random Things

2009-01-30T10:11:00.003-05:00

I was tagged by several people on Facebook to do this but my Facebook friend list includes some professional contacts that don't really need to know 25 random things about me. (Not that that the blogosphere necessarily needs to know but...here goes.) You are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. Beth got to my idea first and I love her list. You should check it out!

1. I believe I am right most of the time and I have a hard time not being right. My husband has told me I would never be his "life line" because of my extreme self confidence in my "correctness."

2. I am working very hard to instill a sense of self-confidence in my daughter that will sustain her through all of the craziness of childhood and early adulthood.

3. I could easily sleep until 9 AM every day but the adult world does not function like that.

4. Much to the dismay of most of the people in my life, I live with a latin sense of time - I'll get there when I get there. Punctuality is not the most important thing in my life.

5. My sophomore year in high school I experienced several events that changed the course of my life forever.

6. Even if no one read my blog I would keep writing. It's a great way for me to vent and keep an Oprah-esque journal. It would never get done if I had to write on paper.

7. I make every effort not to criticize my body or talk about "dieting" in front of my daughter. As far as she knows I love my zebra stripes (stretch marks) because it means I have two babies.

8. I have very little tolerance for people who break the rules and don't try their best.

9. I'm happy being a "working outside of the home mom" and sometimes I feel guilty about enjoying my job.

10. I have a scrapbook that captures every Christmas since my children have been born. DD has her own that celebrates every birthday and I have to start Macks soon.

11. I don't like poetry but I love Shel Silverstein. I don't like plays but I love musicals. People think musicals aren't like real life but I often break into song and dance in the middle of conversations and activities so I tend to disagree.

12. I would like to get a master's degree but I can't decide what my major should be!

13. I can not leave Target without spending at least $40 and I will pay extra money to shop anywhere other than Walmart. I loathe Walmart.

14. I have a Kelly Clarkson cd in my car. I also listen to Chris Cornell, Ella Fitzgerald, Eminem, and Barbara Streisand.

15. I am ferociously defensive about my family. A little girl told DD she scribbled and DD was consumed by her comment for days. It breaks my heart to know that someone can break her heart.

16. I rarely carry cash but I don't have any credit card debt.

17. I have a pen pal and my goal this year is to be a good correspondant.

18. I live in my hometown because I need to be near my family. The only thing DH loves about my hometown is me.

19. I have altered my frame of mind with regard to my body. I no longer hope to wear and look good in a bikini. Now I would like to be healthy to be around long enough to see my children grow up and have their own children.

20. I hate sports. I do not own, nor do I believe I have ever owned, any apparel with a sports team logo.

21. I have people in my life who have faced significant health problems and I feel extremely fortunate that they are still here. I find sky diving, bungee jumping and car racing irresponsible. There are people fighting for their life because of conditions out of their control and others have the luxury of risking their life for their own thrills.

22. I am humbled by families who adopt children.

23. I talk to my sisters every single day. (Sometimes twice)

24. I take for granted the life I have but I am extremely fortunate.

25. I remember elementary school pretty clearly. I don't remember much about high school. I remember some things about college and I remember nearly everything since I met my husband.

Light Balds

2009-01-29T08:00:00.001-05:00

DD is strong minded, strong willed and wild spirited. While I love those things about her they can also drive me nuts. If you try to correct her or provide an answer to a question she believes is wrong she will tell you so and go on her merry way continuing to believe she is right. Such is the case with the word "thingers" ("it's not Fingers Mommy!") and "light balds" ("they are not bulbs, that's silly.") There are more but I'm stopping with the light balds because even as we came within inches of a fire recently, less than one week later we faced a new fire hazard.

DH was walking around the house and he kept saying that he smelled something burning. He has the olfactory skills of a blood hound. The burning could have come from next door and he would still smell it. I didn't smell anything so I wasn't concerned. He narrowed down the smell to DD's room. Apparently there was something ON the light bulb in her lamp and it was melting. DH explained how dangerous that is and that she should do it again, blah, blah, blah. Her response was that we needed to buy her light balds where she could put things on them! Oh the challenges of a child who is 4 going on 16!

Culinary Disaster

2009-01-28T10:06:00.002-05:00

I had great plans for dinner last night. Pounded chicken breasts coated in dijonaise, breaded & baked. (Don't judge!) I had a bag of Pepperidge Farm Stuffing to use up and I found a box of Jiffy Corn Bread/Muffin mix. That and some vegetables should feed even the pickiest amongst us.

I put too much dijonaise on the chicken but DD asked for seconds which she never does. And she got to pound out the chicken (which was in a gallon zipper bag) so I guess Rachel Ray is right that when they participate in the process they are more likely to eat it. Next, the stuffing...the directions say I can use water and butter or stock and butter. I don't have stock so I use water and basically had wet buttery bread to serve so I had to break out a packet of gravy mix (which I save for emergencies and this constituted.) Then, the corn bread...DD mixed and I dumped into an 8x8 pan. I just happened to lick the spatula and it tasted metallic but I blamed it on the metal bowl. So I grabbed the box, maybe it said not to use a metal bowl. No, no mention of a metal bowl but it did mention an expiration date of 1/31/08!! How I moved from one apartment to another with expired food I'm not sure. Thankfully I had a bag of steamfresh vegetables so i couldn't mess that up.

Dinner was done and I remembered that DH had a dinner meeting at a fancy restaurant and would not be joining us. As soon as dinner was ready Mack was ready to eat so DD ate hot disgusting dinner and I ate reheated disgusting dinner. So all that mediocrity and I still had to clean up dishes, etc. No wonder I order out so often. I will single-handedly revive this economy with restaurant purchases.

Easy Bake My Ass

2009-01-26T16:40:00.003-05:00

Ok, sorry for the "cussing" but good grief...

DD wanted something to do yesterday so we agreed to make Easy Bake brownies with frosting. You add 1 1/2 teaspoons of water to a container of powder, stir and dump into a tiny pan covered in cooking spray. First, 1 1/2 teaspoons of water is not enough water to do a damn thing except piss off a 4 year old because the stuff won't mix. Mom has to jump in and finish mashing the black concrete. Second, DD can't use cooking spray with any sort of accuracy so Mom has to spray the pan. Third, DD can't remove said black concrete out of the bowl because it is concrete. So Mom has to step in and scrape it out of the bowl. Fourth, concrete doesn't spread so Mom has to spread out the brownies to make them level so a light bulb can bake them in the requisite amount of time.

With that done, we shove the tiny pan in the flaming hot oven. Brownies bake for 12 minutes then cool for another 15. After 27 minutes we make and spread frosting and we have a 3" diameter frosted brownie. This project came with two dishes to bake - brownies & blondies and it cost $7.50. For 99 cents, one egg and 1/2 cup of oil I could have made an 8x8 pan of edible brownies for the whole family. Easy Bake my ass!

This Is How Old I Am

2009-01-23T20:59:00.004-05:00

I am copying this one from Emily and Zoe's Mom for two reasons. First, it is humorous to see how much has changed in such a short period of time. Second, I don't feel old but I work with college students and I continue to be shocked that someone born in 1987 can be in college. My spirit is young but my age keeps getting older. So here's how old I am...

I remember being one of the first on my block to have a computer at home. It was a Tandy with 5 inch floppys - when floppy discs were still actually big and floppy. We could print banners across many sheets of connected paper and we would fold up the holed edges when we would take them off. You could make cool "accordians" with the sides.

I remember Saturday morning cartoons and how exciting it was to cut the lineup out of the paper and figure out (between my sisters and I) which ones we were going to watch.

No one thought Looney Toons were violent.

I remember when we got our TV down stairs and it had a remote control. That was the "good" TV.

My first pair of roller skates were metal and strapped on over my shoes.

I owned lots of records and then lots of tapes and when cd's came onto the scene I promised myself not to buy into that fad. Then I saw a catalog for BMG!

We owned an Atari and could play Packman, Night Rider and Lost Luggage for hours. The driver control was extra cool. And it was hooked up to the "good" TV.

The telephone in our kitchen hung on the wall and had a dial for a good long time. It also had a cord, even though we would buy 50' cords so we could walk around the house with it.

I had a Dorothy Hamil haircut.

When I was in college most of the students didn't have computers and lots of students had word processors that could print. I had nothing so I had to trek to the computer lab and type on Claris Works.

I remember when Sunkist used to make fruit roll ups and they were good. You could get them in the cafeteria in elementary school - orange, grape and strawberry. No crazy tropical or mixed flavors.

I remember when my girlfriend first got Prodigy and you could "talk" to other people on the computer. It was so cool.

I can still recite: Big Mac, Filet of Fish, Quarter Pounder, French Fries, icy Coke, thick shakes, sundaes and apple pies...you deserve a break today...at McDonalds.

We had Pepsi Light in our refrigerator and soda came in glass bottles.

I was never allowed to wear clogs because I might trip and fall. But I did own jelly shoes and jelly bracelets.

Most Important Day

2009-01-22T09:54:00.002-05:00

This is an essay I submitted for a contest. I did not win and since I am a poor sport I decided I would publish it on my own here. This is the story of the most important day in my life so far...

Once set in motion, tumbling dominos fall with ease and grace — but only if every domino is in exactly the right place. The most important day in my life when was the first domino fell.
After completing college I returned home in the summer of 1997 to look for a job. I wasn’t having much luck. But then I heard from Rosemary, one of my college professors. She had moved to Greenwich, Connecticut to serve as the Director of the Town’s chapter of the American Red Cross. She had a job opening that was perfect for me. I applied. I was the Board’s second choice. When the first choice fell through, I packed my ’92 Ford Escort, drove the 400 miles, and nestled into a 600 square foot apartment. I was lonely at first, so I bought two cats. I started work in September.

The First Domino
On December 2, 1997, Rosemary walked into my office and introduced me to the new Director of Volunteers that would be working two doors down from me. That is the day I met Rob - the man that would become my husband, my best friend, and the father of my children. There are very few days in my life that stand out like Polaroid snapshots in my mind. This is one of them. I was twenty-two years old, at my first full-time job, sitting at my first desk in my first office. Rosemary was standing to Rob’s left. He had a goatee, beatnik looking eyeglasses, and was dressed in a sport coat and tie. It was a brief introduction, but the days and months that followed were nothing short of miraculous.

Ease and Grace
Rob had just dropped out of graduate school and returned home to Greenwich to decide what his next step would be. He was my age. Other than that, we had very little in common. He was intelligent, health conscious, loved to debate, and played the guitar. I’m more of what people would call “creative.” I’m not one for egg whites or plain grilled chicken. I can’t stand listening to arguing. I thought about taking flute lessons in elementary school once, and I have a long list of excuses why I shouldn’t go to the gym. Not only was he different than me, he was different than anyone I had met before. His world views were passionate and informed. I hated politics and history (his major in college.) And he questioned my degree in Communications – yes, it’s possible to write a report on One Life To Live. I couldn’t stop talking to the guy.

Since Rob was back in his hometown, he was surrounded by friends and family. He offered to take me out with his friends one weekend – my first weekend out since I had arrived in Connecticut. Rob was quickly becoming a good friend. We would talk about his “sort-of” girlfriend back in New York City and my “sort-of” still boyfriend that lived an hour away. I had spent the last four years in a miserable relationship that was dominated by arguments over little things. The more I got to know Rob, the more I realized that life doesn’t have to be complicated. Within a few short months, I was head over heels in love. This was not a crush. I did not think it would pass.

The day that confirmed my “suspicion” was the day we had to get certified in Community First Aid and Adult & Child CPR at work. We were being taught how to save a victim from choking. The best way to learn is to practice. He was wearing a blue knit sweater and I had on a chunky, oversized red and cream sweater from Express (this is another Polaroid moment for me.) His job was to put his arms around me and give upward thrusts. I was nervous. Will he think I’m fat? Am I sweating? I wish my sweater wasn’t so huge! But as he wrapped his arms around me I melted and forgot about everything else. It seems pretty silly now since he was only pretending to be saving me from choking. And I am sure that’s all he was thinking!

One of my favorite movie scenes is from Sleepless in Seattle where Meg Ryan is sitting in her car listening to the radio broadcast (horses, horses, horses) on Christmas Eve. Tom Hanks starts talking about what made his wife special and says: “Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.” And the camera goes back to Meg Ryan and she says “magic” at the exact same time. It’s the only way I can explain that moment with Rob - magic. I had never met a man that gave me butterflies or made me weak in the knees. And there I was, melting away inside, trying to listen to the instructions so I could practice my upward thrusts on him. But I didn’t want him to let go. That was the moment I knew I was falling in love, true love.

We started dating in March 1998, got engaged in Washington, DC on the steps of the National Headquarters of the American Red Cross in May 2000, married in October 2002, welcomed our daughter in March 2004, and completed our family with the birth of our son in July 2008. We have moved six times, lost a beloved cat, mourned the passing of family members, and cheered our daughter on at her first dance recital. I am looking forward to the next chapters in our lives.

* * *
If not for that first domino, none of them will fall. December 2, 1997 is the day that changed my life forever. It’s the day that I met my husband. It’s the day that started the chain reaction of an amazing domino display that I don’t want to end. Upon reflection, it was the first day of a new life.

You Look As Good As I Feel

2009-01-21T13:41:00.002-05:00

No one ever says that if they feel fabulous. So when a co-worker said that to me this morning I was a little shocked. Obviously I don't look so hot. And when someone says, "you look as good as I feel" you can't exactly act like you thought you looked fabulous. Like, "Oh really, I thought I looked ok today."

So what do you say when someone feels like crap and thinks you look like crap. I could have said, "No, I think you look like you feel too." Instead I said, "Oh." I didn't get to the flat iron this morning so that's not so hot and my nude lipstick might not have been the best choice and dressing and dropping off two children every morning makes me a little harried but I'm at work, not terribly late, and dressed!

I think I look like I feel!

Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T15:24:00.003-05:00

It's a great day - very exciting for me. In my office I feel like I have Fox News on listening to the snippets in the hall but, just the same, it's a wonderful day. However, I can't help but focus on the event planning and logistical side of today's events. This is what I do for a living so I'm prone to this (I don't plan Inaugurations, just events in general.)

I am abuzz with excitement about the choreography involved in events like this. Aside from all of the public goings on there's the "big move" into the White House. I have moved so many times in the last 10 years the idea of having a team come in, clean the house, paint the walls and move my stuff in so when I get home at midnight I can collapse in my own bed with sheets just blows my mind.

So today while everyone is glowing with the excitement of change I am appreciating the wheels that make the day spin. That makes me gleeful and, if Obama can spare a few guys, I could use some movers, painters, etc. hopefully later this Spring!!

MLK = Laundry Day

2009-01-19T18:15:00.002-05:00

Thankfully I work for an institution wise enough to respect today as a holiday so I was home. Being home meant having time to do the laundry. Unfortunately there was plenty to keep me busy. Another unfortunate finding was the much hated Connecticut sweatshirt DH wears to the gym.

He owns a 15 year old (at least) Jansport sweatshirt that says Connecticut across the front. He's from Connecticut so I'm not sure why he owns this "tourist apparel" but every time I see this thick and thirsty sweatshirt I know it will be a long session of laundering. This damn sweatshirt sucks up so much water it delays the drying time for a load by 15-20 minutes and then, usually, requires some alone time in the dryer to make sure it's really dry.

When I see it in the laundry pile sometimes I'll set it aside for a few loads just to avoid it. Sometimes I wait for DH to clean it but he hates the thing too because of the vicious drying time, but alas, we still own it. I'm thinking about "putting it away" some place not so obvious as to call it out of hiding when DH hits the gym next time...

Come On DD Light My Fire

2009-01-15T09:26:00.002-05:00

Light my pillow on fire is really the more appropriate title. Tuesday night my father babysat while I attended a meeting for work. He had the fireplace on (gas that kicks on with the flip of a switch) and, apparently, DD got too hot and put our couch pillows up against the fireplace to keep the heat away.

DH and I have explained that the fireplace is hot and that she can't go past the carpet. (She's not allowed on the tile in front of the fireplace - the carpet seemed like a good line of demarcation to use as a guide for her.) What we never mentioned was laying pillows against a hot fireplace - I don't know why we didn't get that specific but we didn't. So poor Grandpa was feeding Mack and smelled pillows melting against the fireplace.

I went from my meeting to book club and called home in between. My father explained the "fire" briefly and then DH walked in. I knew I couldn't stay at book club long knowing there was some issue with a near fire at my house and a child who clearly didn't understand the danger of fire. I got home and there were two couch pillows laying in a pile of snow looking singed, badly singed. Upstairs, the fireplace glass bore the markings of melted fire-resistant pillow.

A finely honed putty knife removed the melty pillow but the house smelled to high heaven with fire-resistant chemicals and DD kept apologizing over and over. Poor Grandpa! Good news is DD learned a very important lesson and no one got hurt in the process and we didn't really love the pillows so there's no loss there and the pillow chiseled off the glass nicely so all's well that ends well. I'm pretty sure we won't be using the fireplace for a while!

Snowy & Cold With A Chance Of Antibiotics

2009-01-13T15:17:00.003-05:00

Ok snow, you can go now. Don't get me wrong. I think snow is beautiful. I like snow and blue skies and temps in the high 30's but I've had enough of snow, strong wind, grey skies and North Dakota-like temperatures (sorry ND.) Saturday night both kids were awash in runny noses and eyes. Which meant I wasn't going to work on Monday.

On Monday Mack was diagnosed with an ear infection and conjunctivitis and DD was diagnosed with a virus. Ok, DD back to daycare on Tuesday and Mack on Wednesday - going to work with me on Tuesday. Last night DD was miserable and speaking in tongues. No work for me today either then! Today she was diagnosed with an ear infection and conjunctivitis. Glad to know my kids are sharing!

So now Miss Working Mom has to figure out what tomorrow's plans are. Unfortunately DH's job is not as flexible as mine so his ability to pitch in here is limited. Anyone looking for a babysitting gig at my house tomorrow? I'll pay top dollar!

I'm hoping all of these antibiotics will send these kids on a speedy road to recovery just in time for me to haul them outside to daycare in single digit temperatures. Florida sounds really good right about now.

Moon Sand

2009-01-10T17:49:00.002-05:00

I met the devil and he appeared in the form of Moon Sand.

I was home this afternoon with DD and Mack I decided to let DD break out the Moon Sand DD got as a Christmas gift from my cousin. She loved it! I am left wondering who the childless, favorite uncle is that developed this product. Although I do not know who owns the original copyright to the idea I do know that the man is something like my cousin, the gift giver: a child at heart, un-married, favorite uncle type with no children of his own. (I would blame a woman for the development but I think women value other women too much to devise an item that ultimately leads to an enormous mess that you know a woman will end up cleaning.)

I tried to mitigate damages by putting the individual Moon Sand colors on giant Tupperware lids but it was like going to the beach and not getting sand in your car - mess was inevitable. The worst part was that it ground into the fabric on my kitchen chairs (but came out quickly with the Dustbuster.) And it was ALL over the floor, table and DD. It was essentially like bringing a sandbox in the house. We have decided this is an "outside" toy.

Clorox Toothpaste

2009-01-09T08:17:00.000-05:00

DD has finally gotten old enough to use minty toothpaste without gagging. We got a sample of Crest Sparkle Fun toothpaste from the dentist and she liked it so I bought her a full size tube. The child is convinced that she uses Clorox toothpaste and no matter how many times I correct her she still asks for Clorox. I know she's going to say this in front of the wrong audience and I am going to get dirty looks. I just feel the moment coming.

Tripping The Light Fantastic

2009-01-08T08:03:00.001-05:00

DH does not believe in coupons, store returns, having meat "cooked just a little longer" at a restaurant or in the necessity of turning off lights not only when he leaves a room but when he leaves the house. In the morning, if I walk out the door first, I can be certain I will come home to find DD's closet, the hall, our bathroom and the kitchen lights on.

We go around and around and around with this so instead of griping I just go around and turn the lights off. There are so many ways to avoid the "latte factor" (a favorite saying of financial analysts that appear on tv.) I'd rather buy the latte and shut off the lights. DH has no problem doing both.

This morning I had to run back in the house and it was lit like a runway at night. So I ran around and shut everything off. Oh, the tiny details of sharing domestic life with another soul. You hear about couples fighting about big stuff - money, family, kids - and all of the therapists and relationship counselors suggest you "have these conversations before you get married." I love the man dearly and I would have married him even if I knew about his "lighting" habits but no one mentioned that we needed to have that conversation!